So what?

Jadi,
aku dah dapat reslut. i mean result.
yeah. i failed two papers.
i failed two of the easiest ones.
aku nak blame lecturer tort sebab mengharapkan harapan tinggi kepada pelajar yang sememangnya haprak.
aku nak blame lecturer consti sebab sepanjang semester selama 6 bulan dia hanya masuk kelas sebanyak lima kali. more or less.
aku nak blame diri sendiri sebab aku tak buat betul betul dan terlalu banyak main dan teramat suka blame lecturer. mana nak berkat.
jadi aku fail.

Jadi??
kalau fail, what's the problem now?
aku tak boleh patah balik pergi exam week, study balik betul-betul.
kalau aku tahu aku akan fail, aku takkan ikut effa or hanim pergi rumah jack dan takkan pegi main golf dan aku takkan jumpa jejaka idaman kalbu bermata cokelatku. TIDAKK!
aku taknak turn back time. memang tak boleh pun.
aku hanya mampu menerima kenyataan bahawa aku sememangya telah gagal.
jadi aku terima.

Jadi?
Lantas aku terima, apa patut aku buat?
jatuh bangun semula.
Bak kata Butterfingers yang tiba-tiba, walaupun agak lama aku gemari, menjadi kugiran pujaan hati,
"malam semalam gundah gulana, hari ini hari mulia"
walaupun aku telah menukarkan senikata lagu tersebut, more or less it's something like that.
jatuh bangun kembali.
bukan esok nak kiamat kalau fail dua paper.
mama: "you failed, so what? it's part of learning, if you never failed, you'd never learn your mistakes."
jejaka idaman kalbu bermata cokelat: "this is your second chance to prove to everybody. cukup bagus you dapat second chance rather than being dismissed altogether."
betul. betul. i couldn't agree more.
jadi, bila jatuh, bangun semula.

Jadi,
aku akan bangkit dengan semangat phoenix m.nasir.(out of nowhere)
i will prove to everybody i can do it. prove myself that i am better.
aku akan bangun dan jadi wirawati gred A.
dan cakap kat lecturer, "IN YOUR FACE!! BOOYAH!"
MUHAHAHAHAHA.
jadi,
kalau nak jadi, jadi lah.

Jadi,
bila nak bagitau daddy aku fail?
lepas balik dari ipoh.
TETTT!

oh, and,
Aku Sayang Semua Orang! Thank You!

Goodbye Girl. Hello World.

i watched "Goodbye Boys" again this morning. i've always liked the movie because firstly it was shot in Ipoh and Ipoh seems to have this nostalgic effect on me. i find it beautiful. and secondly because of the story itself. simple yet bittersweet. lastly i like the soundtrack. as much as i liked it though, i never really thought much about it. it's just something i enjoy watching. it never really made me think or whatever. the last time i watched it was back when i was 17 or 18. it has been two years. two years before i can actually relate and understand the movie.

as i said before, the movie is really simple. it's like this coming of age movie about how boys turn into men. i'm a girl. i dont relate to it in that sense, but i do understand how it feels like to start realizing things, to start to think about other things besides yourself, to grow up.

i don't know when it happened. i never realized when i started to think about others and as much as i am selfish now, i know i'm better. better than before. i started to help around more. i start to appreciate my family, especially my parents more. i don't yell at my sisters as much. i do things without complaining and try not to take things for granted.

i had a dream this morning. more like a nightmare i guess. in this nightmare my family and i went on a holiday and we had this lavish suite all to ourselves. we slept and when i woke up the next morning, my parents were gone. everybody's parents are gone. vanished into thin air. the first three days or so after that was pure madness and partying. but after that, after that it snapped. the whole world started to fall on my shoulder and i started to feel the burden. questions flowed my head. what should i do? what about my sisters? what about the bills? how? what? where? i started crying, rumaged through the closet for my mom's clothes kissed and hugged them tightly, remembering every single memory i had of her. i woke up from that dream by letting out a faint cry. i laid still and i saw mama coming into my room. i felt so much relief. just relieved. i understood more or less about responsibilty.

one time my dad told me to grow up. the words used was "you're old, stop reading harry potter books and grow up". well not exactly that, but more or less. it stuck to my head. forever etched in this mind. i am still trying to grow up.

but still, i am learning. about this life, how to carry myself in it, how to fit myself in. it's not a struggle, but sometimes, i find it very difficult to do what other people do. how they manage to fit in so effortlessly. how they can carry on with a conversation without a hitch. it's quite a struggle sometimes. but i'm still trying. at least now i can go up in front of a crowd and say my name without turning red as a lobster.

i'm still trying, still learning, still struggling to grow, to appreciate, to accept responsiblity and to understand things. i'm 20. it might sound as if it's too late. but hey, what can i say? i'm a late-bloomer. :)

Hassan's

This picture was taken at Hassan's. Time ni malu-malu lagi. We were forced by to take the picture and it was one of two. Not that i mind, though. Thanks guys. Now that we're official, the date to remember is the 3rd of December 2009. Teeheehee :D I love you Yang! :)

what you get when you fall in love. again.

"what do you get when you fall in love? you get enough tears to fill an ocean....
...i'll never fall in love again.."

and i never want to. not anytime soon at least. the fact that i have is absolutely mind boggling. to whom may you ask? i'll reveal him later. but yes, he's the reason why my blog is filled suddenly with poems.

to say that he is different from any other guy is an understatement. he is on a whole other level of guys that are not in my "to-date" list simply because he is wayy out of my league. i'm not trying to be modest i AM however, being honest. i never thought of going out with someone like him.

to me, he is cute, he is charming, very very unpredictable and always have something to say about things. most of them contradicts mine a lot. but that's the best thing i like about him. i am able to talk, to converse, to have someone to argue with and have fun doing it. the fact that he can see ME is something unexplainable. i mean, come on, how often do you find people whose first impression about you is the exact thing that you are. i was lost, and that was the first impression i gave to him and he was right. in a way, that scared me a lot. i've never felt so open and vulnerable but in a lot of ways, it helped me move forward and start to look for something that matters to me. so thanks to him, i'm not saved, just that i'm guided. i have someone to take with me in this journey of self discovery!

what i admire most about him though, is the fact that after everything that has happened to him, all the things that were thrown to him, he bounced back. he too was lost and he crashed. finding a way to come back from that crash and become a better person is something very inspiring and Alhamdulillah i am very happy for him that so far everything in his life is finally taking a turn for the better. he told me, it was me. i told him it was his luck and God. but whatever it is, he is blessed. i look up to him in ways i never have with anybody else. he made me see things in a whole new perspective and in a short period of time he taught me how to not take things for granted, how to appreciate what you have and how to move on. that's a lot considering how long i've known him and believe me, it's not that long.

the best part about being with him is when he looks at you. the way he explains things, the way he expresses himself, the way he talks to me. the way how he sometimes smiles to himself and his dimpled cheek. hmm. i am not going to hide anything here, i LOVE the brown eyes okay. they can melt me away with one simple gaze. and please don't let me start with the smile. haih... i know if i say more, he is not going to let me forget my words. so i'll stop there. did i mention he can play the guitar and piano too?? and he writes songs as well. and poems. he wrote me a sonnet once. teeheee.. *dreamy*.

anyway.. what i love about him is beyond physical attraction. the way he can read me like a mind reader is astonishing. the way i can be me around him makes me feel safe and perfectly comfortable. as if i am someone he already knew a long time ago. a familiar stranger. he makes me feel loved and appreciated and that is something i haven't felt for a very long time.

seeing jack and ili together made me jealous at times. their relationship, jack's devotion towards ili is something so pure you are sure you would never find it anywhere else other than books is remarkable. seeing the way he stares at her, full of love and adoration makes you want to turn away because you just feel so insignificant there. you just don't want to be there because it's so full of love and you just can't help feeling like having someone like that. ili got hers. i've never dreamed about getting mine because the thought of it, makes me almost sad.

then, he came. the feeling of having someone to sweep you off your feet doesn't come everyday and yet he is able to do so again and again and again and i literally, LITERALLY fell. once. see, that never happened to me. the fact that he made it possible, as embarrased as i was back then, made me appreciate him even more. the need to keep him happy, keep him interested, the need to keep him, grows the more i get to know him. i want him to stay. i'm keeping him and that's the way it's going to be. i don't mean it in a psycopath, obsessed, manic way. but..

Al-mu Syahrisyawal Ahmad,
you are mine. and i am here to stay.

Selfish.

i'd like to apologize to some people.
for being too happy.
for being selfish.
for doing or saying things without thinking or asking.
for going back on what i said.
for taking everything for granted.
for not being able to please.

i'm not being emotional.
just thought that i should apologize to those whom i've wronged.
i never intended to disappoint anybody.
and i know it's just me being selfish.
i'm too selfish to think about others but myself.
i know there are many out there,
regardless of whether they do read this or not,
i still would like to apologize.

i am truly, deeply, sincerely sorry for my behaviour.
i hope that you will forgive me,
no matter how big or how small my mistake was
and no matter how it may have offended you.

i just think i should apologize before i enjoy and be thankful for everything in my life right now.
or i will not think i deserve the blessings.
for my flaws and my wrongs.
sorry.

Sincerely,
Faiznur Yazreen

You.

A dream.
A coincidence too good to be true,
stemming from the wildest of imagination.
Giving life a second chance, a reason to believe.

A circumstance.
Clouded with hopelessness and confusion,
that paved the way down a new road so effortlessly and smooth.

A silver lining.
A pull from the deepest, darkest abyss,
a single command that can calm an army at war.

A song.
An endless lullaby to keep me from waking,
from facing the harsh realities of life.

A blessing.
A fate, a reason,
that led me to You.

taking chances.

second chances, how often does it happen?
literally you only get second chances once. that's why it's called a second chance.
another try at redeeming what you have failed to do or another chance of getting back what you lost.

how often does it happen?
how do you know when you can get a second chance?
some people go through life without even getting close to it.
some lucky b******* get second chances everyday.
but i guess it's a matter of how you see things, don't you think?

a second chance, to me, in a way means,
having a try at something that you thought you will neve have a chance to do again.
something very significant in your life but you totally messed it up.
second chance doesn't necessary mean a second try at something.
we go through more than one failure before getting a second chance.
it's very rare and is therefore very hard to see.
most of the time, it comes by luck.
almost like magic.

so how do you determine whether you got a second chance?
it could be another opportunity to try out something that could be a promising failure.
when something like that comes, it's a matter of taking it or leaving it.
it is something you would have to risk everything for to know.
when that time comes, it would be up to you to see whether that opportunity is your second chance or not.
but no matter what it is, chance or not, it's never wrong to hope and keep hoping.
have something to look forward to no matter what the consequences might be.

as for me,
i choose to believe that God has given me second chance.
an opportunity to reevaluate my life, to see things in a new perspective,
from a single person's point of view.
i might not know where this will lead me to
but as of now, i'm breathing in every single detail trying not to miss a heartbeat of this journey.
this opportunity, this second chance i am given,
is a risk i was willing to take with hopes beyond my wildest of dreams.

i can only be thankful for everything i have in my life right now
even after so many mistakes and after so many people i've hurt,
regardless of deserving it or not,
i got my second chance.