here i am, in front of the laptop, half asleep, half awake and forever questioning everything i do. it never escapes my thoughts come to think of it. I'm very much conscious of whatever I'm doing but at the same time i couldn't care less. my conducts are like a paralyzed, mangled body part. they don't do what the brain tells them to do even though very much aware. why? i have no idea. Even if i do, it'll always be too late . my brain just doesn't kick start at the right time.
make everybody happy. making everyone happy will always make me happy. but i end up making everyone unhappy with me anyway. so it's really like i never did anything in the first place. it seems like i never made any effort to make people satisfied. with me at least. at the the end of the day i'd be the one having dreams or nightmares of people i feel guilty to for not doing certain things. put them aside yes, but the conscience is still there. it doesn't leave. at the end of the day, i'm still useless.
yes, small trivial things does make me insecure and lowers my self esteem to a new low. makes me feel like i'm the most terrible person alive. I don't do things because i'm scared it might hurt people so i'd rather just not. i'd look like a lost puppy looking for the way home. scared, confused, waiting for somebody to show me the way home.
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