Real Guitarists Play Blues.

Describe yourself.

2011-08-03T19:41:00.000-07:00

How does one describe oneself in 140 characters? If you're not familiar with this, I'm talking about the description or Bio part on Twitter which basically gives an introduction of the tweeter. I've seen many kinds of intros. Some are long and standard looking. Some sums up what they are currently engaged in, and others put down even lesser than the limit by describing who they are within 1 to 5 words. So, how can you describe yourself.

Obviously you pick and choose the characteristics that you want to put in. But how honest should you be? It's Twitter. Why put something true? Nobody's gonna know right? Some Tweeters believe that less is more, so they give you less. My Bio used to read something like "A hybrid between an old supermodel and elephant genes". What does it even mean? I thought it'd be funny. See I like certain vintage stuff and well I am kind of tall, that's where the old supermodel comes from. Elephant genes, I lean towards the heavier side you see. It's not meant to be taken seriously, just trying to poke fun at myself.

Unfortunately, doing this might trigger something else altogether. Readers might not at all take you seriously and think that you're all play and no work. That you're a joke even though the introduction does in a way give out something that describes you albeit being in an exxagerated manner. So then how else do you give out something without totally being open to the public? It's like taking a picture, I think. Taking pictures means capturing the moment. Some does it to capture the essence of the scenery. When you take pictures at different angles, they give out different meanings. A description of oneself can only mean one thing, it's only a matter of perspective.

How do I describe myself? The long or standard version would be: "A 22 year old woman who's currently pursuing a degree in Law and still lives with her parents". The summing-everything-I'm-engaged-in description of myself would be: "A daughter, a friend, a cousin, a girlfriend, couch potato, avid movie buff and a lawyer in the making". But that sounds a little bit to ridiculous to me. So if you see my Twitter Bio, it reads "Somewhere in the in between" it's a tagline from the book Lovely Bones and does decribe me right now at this particular part of my life. I am neither at the start nor am I at the end. I'm floating through life, taking in whatever comes to me. Despite not being at all graceful in handling it, I still manage nevertheless and I'm not stopping until I've reached the end.

Past, present, future.

2011-07-26T20:46:00.000-07:00

My last post was about my past, seeing the way things are going now, I want to share something that can relate to the past. There are two rules regarding this word. Firstly, the past will either make you or break you. The second rule applies directly after, only, the outcome depends on your first choice. Second rule, don't ever let your past get in the way of your future. If you let your past break you, ultimately, it will get in the way of your future and if you choose to make something out of it, it will make you the bigger man, so to say. Walking away doesn't necessarily mean avoiding. Avoiding is not confronting something and be a coward. When you walk away you know you've confronted your biggest challenge and you choose to walk away because you know doing anything else won't do any good rather than harm.

I for one hate confrontations generally but I can't just avoid it because the guilt builds up inside of me and the thing that I do best haunts me. I will worry and when I worry everything falls apart. Being able to actually admit this simply means that I know my faults, too well. It gets overwhelming and consumes me that I develop some sort of OCD in my head. It sucks. So, I do confront. But since I don't feel comfortable being totally in your face, I take long hike. It's time consuming but the job gets done. Worry. Worry can be defined as being uneasy or troubled about something. This is something that bombards my everyday life. What do I worry about, generally? People mostly. There's no reason to worry about what people think about you, but I do for some unknown reason. I get agitated and annoying when I worry. I am learning to let go, nevertheless.

To bring these two things together now. I know there are some things in my past that I cannot bring with my future. I know that, in order to secure my future, I have to bury my past. That's how you move forward isn't it? The past that I think may help in my future, I let become guidelines and warnings, small mental notes. Everyday in your life, you will learn something new, like yesterday, I found out that my iPhone earphones has magnets in them. Anyway, what I meant to say is that your everyday life teaches new experiences and even though there are some that you don't notice consciously, if you were on a routine, you won't do the same thing anymore if it doesn't suit the routine. However, the problem with me, I tend to become very conscious and observant about several things while a few important others are total blind spots to me. I need more training I guess.

I don't want to have something in my past affect my present and ruin my future. I am not a risk taker and when I'm in my comfort zone, I DON'T LEAVE. So, it should be easy to let go of my past right? Just don't let guilt or worry step in my way and I'm good to go.

Photographs.

2011-07-21T21:10:00.000-07:00

I was rummaging through everything last night looking for my passport. It's impossible for me to have lost it because the last time I saw it, it was in my room. How long was last time? about 3-4 years ago. My passport would have expired right about this year. This is so not happening right now. Of all the things to be swallowed by this house, it had to be my passport and it had to be at this particular time when I have finally planned a trip with my friends! I have about a month to ransack my whole house before the trip. Why now why??

Onward with the post, I'm not actually interested about ranting about my lost passport but about everything else that's lost and how we get reminded of it. The thing about lost things is that, we won't actually appreciate it as much as we could until we've lost it. This I'm sure is a very cliched overused statement, but undoubtedly true. It applies to material things and people as well.

While looking for my now very much appreciated lost passport I stumbled across old pictures and ended up spending around half an hour looking through each one of them. There were pictures in my Kampung during a 1998 riot. My dad was in the midst of it all and also some politicians there. I remember being there back then. We were told to stay inside. The thing is when you were 8 or 9, the world doesn't seem that big at all. It only revolved around a few familiar faces and places. The best part about it is that, nothing, not even the war can stop a little kid from fleeing with her imagination. Everything was peaceful and safe. Innocence and ignorance are the best of friends to a child, innit?

Then there were pictures of my parents before they got married and after having me and my sister. I know I've seen them a million times but last night I really saw the pictures. I look at my dad and there he was a charming and cocky young man,in his early twenties with his friends and gal pals with his ciggies. Then there's the recently employed man, taking pictures as a young lawyer, ever so confident in his robes talking in front of judges. There was a few pictures where he was at a party, acting out a scene. It was funny. My mom was well, she's a pretty hot stuff. Sadly the wasn't passed down to this writer. She seemed quiet and reserved but from the stories I've heard, she's not just another wallflower. My mom has this look that when you look at her, you won't really know how to approach her. She can look cold but is actually warm and caring. That bit is passed on, I guess. The after pictures shows a young married couple at karaoke lounges with friends or vacation pictures. Now comes the part where I say, we appreciate things or moments better when they are no longer with us. To some extent my parents are still who they were. Wiser, surely but tired now I guess. You won't see them at karaoke lounges or partying or vacationing away now because time's running out and work has taken over everything else. Money don't come easy these days and we learned that the slower way. I thank God that we still get to get by each day and still be comfortable.

Next comes the emotional parts. While photographs they capture those happy moments, freeze time and are able to bring back to life the past, they don't just bring back happy memories, they bring back, forgotten memories, all hopes and dreams back then and then that question of what happened? how did I get here? Photographs don't just capture moments, they encapsulate all sorts of emotions, takes us in with it. So even though they are still, unmoved, pictures do tell a thousand words because they speak to us personally and not in any way others can understand.

When I saw the pictures of my late grandmothers and my late grandfather, I miss them a lot. I wished they were still with me, see what I've achieved. Being younger you tend to dismiss these things, it didn't really matter that much. But nothing can tear me up inside than seeing pictures of my late sister. She was about 7 or 8 when she passed. It's sad to admit that I can't remember a complete event with her in it. I don't if I'm just too young to remember or I am actually traumatized by the loss, but I don't really remember my sister as well as I want to. This is the saddest part. I remember the times we fought over small things but I don't remember laughing together. The pictures I saw was full of laughter and joy. I didn't remember having those.

A few weeks earlier, an uncle of mine asked me question that I never dared ask myself. Have you ever thought what it would be like if your sister was still here? I don't actually, I never did. Whenever I tried, I just space out and I just block everything all together. There was never a what if to me because there's only a big never all over. There was no what if for something impossible so why bother thinking at all? The past just won't ever come back, not when it involves someone who has passed. So the only logical thing to do is move forward.

This is what shield me from every emotions I've had, I think. Looking at pictures of my sister, I realize now that, I wasn't tearing up because I missed her or because I had hoped to have a sister that I can tell my secrets to, share about boyfriends or go shopping with. I teared up because I didn't have that feeling. I didn't have a plan for the future for me and my sister. I didn't have anything at all. The picture was just a picture to me. Still, captured, frozen. Dead.

In my head.

2010-08-01T17:59:00.000-07:00

I've created a world without boundaries, full of possibilities.
No conditions, no exceptions, no expectations, no one to tell me no.
I'm staying.

One year on.

2010-07-22T06:41:00.000-07:00

For some reason it's been a long week for me this week. I got to think about a few stuff. Mainly about priorities in life. For me to be thinking about priorities is something because if it was me a few years back, i would still be thinking about myself and my own needs. clearly disregarding the more important things in life. It used to be about fun and enjoyment back then. But reality has its own way of sinking in and i've gotten a taste of it.

I know i cannot be doing certain things anymore now. I won't shy away to say that I am a different person from who I was last year. Things have moved and changed rapidly that sometimes it's so hard to grasp it all. They tend to get hazy and confusing at times that i just don't know what to do. But even if I am taking baby steps, I know I am going somewhere.

Take this kiss upon the brow!
And, in parting from you now,
Thus much let me avow-
You are not wrong, who deem
That my days have been a dream;
Yet if hope has flown away
In a night, or in a day,
In a vision, or in none,
Is it therefore the less gone?
All that we see or seem
Is but a dream within a dream.

I stand amid the roar
Of a surf-tormented shore,
And I hold within my hand
Grains of the golden sand-
How few! yet how they creep
Through my fingers to the deep,
While I weep- while I weep!
O God! can I not grasp
Them with a tighter clasp?
O God! can I not save
One from the pitiless wave?
Is all that we see or seem
But a dream within a dream?

Edgar Allan Poe

I can't afford to be a dreamer anymore. Life goes on even if you're on idle mode.I'm more comfortable being on my own nowadays. It helps me appreciate my thoughts better even if I don't voice them out as much.

I can be selfish if i want to but i can't sometimes. Looking back, I owe so much to the people in my life. Even if we do drift apart, just let me thank you from far away. My family, ayah, mama, abby, hanim, shakira, cousins, aunties, uncles, my dear friends and especially my Sya. I'll never be where I am today if it wasn't for you. Thank you so much for making me a better person.

Love,
Faiznur.

conscious conscience.

2010-07-10T09:59:00.001-07:00

here i am, in front of the laptop, half asleep, half awake and forever questioning everything i do. it never escapes my thoughts come to think of it. I'm very much conscious of whatever I'm doing but at the same time i couldn't care less. my conducts are like a paralyzed, mangled body part. they don't do what the brain tells them to do even though very much aware. why? i have no idea. Even if i do, it'll always be too late . my brain just doesn't kick start at the right time.

make everybody happy. making everyone happy will always make me happy. but i end up making everyone unhappy with me anyway. so it's really like i never did anything in the first place. it seems like i never made any effort to make people satisfied. with me at least. at the the end of the day i'd be the one having dreams or nightmares of people i feel guilty to for not doing certain things. put them aside yes, but the conscience is still there. it doesn't leave. at the end of the day, i'm still useless.

yes, small trivial things does make me insecure and lowers my self esteem to a new low. makes me feel like i'm the most terrible person alive. I don't do things because i'm scared it might hurt people so i'd rather just not. i'd look like a lost puppy looking for the way home. scared, confused, waiting for somebody to show me the way home.

Run.

2010-06-30T22:41:00.000-07:00

Run.

That's what i do best. Run away from my problems. I realized that all i do when faced with this is to cover myself up and run and find a somewhat safe place to hide. Where i'm untouchable.

Going through this, I secretly yearn to go back there. I don't want to stay here because reality is here. But not there. I don't have to think about anything there. I can just live my life normally, carefree and just do what i do.

It's unfamiliar. I feel awkward and I don't feel any sense of belonging. What is that? How can you feel like a stranger at your home? Then again, where is home? Not here. Not any more.

What is normal? Life's like a turning wheel. Whatever is familiar is normal. It repeats and goes on. Not really.. Life's just a mixed up jumble of wires that's turned into a ball. It twists and turns unexpectedly and just goes on until it reaches full circle. And then it takes another course with its twists and turns and that's that. So there's no way of recognizing or getting familiar with it. We just have to go through it.

But me?

I run.

By myself.

2010-06-27T00:49:00.000-07:00

we pave our own road. our own journey. what makes us question everything we do is everyone else around us. so how do you differentiate between what's wrong and what's right when there are always always people out there to dictate, to judge, to condemn every single thing you do?

I've spent everyday of the last few months being ripped, torn, judged, broken down, condemned. I've spent every single time explaining, justifying, trying to make people see and I am freaking tired of it. For the past few months, everything I do seems to push everybody away. But all i want to do is just cherish everything. I can no longer have fun without feeling a pinch of guilt either here or there.

I am confused, I am scared, I don't see anything but a blurry view.

This sounds like a desperate cry for something and I can't even pin point what. Accept. just accept. Grow up and move on. yes whatever i am doing now, is solely for myself. I don't have much time. I don't know where it's gone to but i don't have any.

I wish i could just pause. have that thing Hermione has so I can be at all the places at the same time and just make everyone happy. I want to make everyone happy but all I've been doing is make everyone turn against me.

I'm not scared to say that I've probably lost my friends and at the rate i'm going, my family too.

Help me.. I swear at this point I've never felt more alone.

Aku Mauuu.

2010-06-17T04:30:00.000-07:00

tibe tibe rase macam lagu john mayer "my stupid mouth" sangat kena with me.

lepas dah nyanyi2. nak serenade boyfriend pulak dengan lagu Once.

Baby this is for you. I'm sorry.

Once- Aku Mahu

Kau Boleh Acuhkan Diriku
dan Anggap ku Tak Ada
Tapi Takkan Merubah Perasaanku
Kepadamu

Kuyakin Pasti Suatu Saat
Semua Kan Terjadi
Kau Kan Mencintaiku
dan Tak Akan Pernah Melepasku

aku Mau Mendampingi Dirimu
aku Mau Cintai Kekuranganmu
Selalu Bersedia Bahagiakanmu
Apapun Terjadi
Kujanjikan Aku Ada

Kau Boleh Jauhi Diriku
Namun Kupercaya
Kau Kan Mencintaiku
dan Tak Akan Pernah Melepasku

aku Mau Mendampingi Dirimu
aku Mau Cintai Kekuranganmu
aku Yang Rela Terluka
Untuk Masa Lalu

2010-06-14T04:35:00.000-07:00

sigh...

i just want to watch football..

chill la der.

2010-06-10T01:41:00.000-07:00

I'm blogging this while waiting for the server to update my exam result.

how many times have we said "kadang-kadang"?
how many times have we wished that maybe one day, people would finally understand what we feel inside and vice versa?

It's a never-ending tug of war and as long as both sides are pulling the rope, no one's gonna win or lose. but then again, it's not about winning or losing isn't it? It's always about wanting people to hear out what we have to say. It's not enough, never enough, but always sufficient. Just listen. Not to just hear out. Listen..

people will always have their reasons. If you say that, abide by it. try and see what they see but at the same time try to make them see what you see. it is probably the hardest things in life. letting down our egos. for some it is impossible. but is ego really worth everything else?

and you know, as i build up my walls, i learned something quite valuable and helpful. Sometimes, people being what they are, and saying what they say, you just can't take some things seriously. because if you do, you would always end up hurt, sad, angry, betrayed. Just always keep in mind that no one is the same. they are subjected to their own beliefs and understanding on things. There's always a reason for something. Taking something seriously would lead to a chain reaction and would lead to a catastrophe. we stand by our reasons and they stand by their principles, it'll just take you back to square one.

so what do you do? just walk away. walk away and come back when they are ready. when you are ready. sometimes saying less is more.

one thing's for sure though, we can't expect people to want to try to understand us. ego is a really powerful sucker.

when life gives you lemons...

2010-06-01T22:08:00.000-07:00

do you make lemonade or you make orange juice?

This was put forth by my 13 year old sister. and she got me thinking.

If the phrase was "when life gives you lemons, you make lemonades", it will mean, you just turn something sour into something sweet and is a lot bearable. If it was "when life gives you lemonades. you make orange juice", it would mean.. something sour that is presented to you, push it aside, take something else and make something totally different out of it but sweet at the same time.

so which one is true?

i guess it depends on what you want to believe. i mean, if you are presented with lemons, it's kinda ridiculous for it to magically turn into oranges right? so, logically, the first phrase would be correct. But the second one could also be something positive if you can understand it.

If somebody were to tell me, when life gives you lemons, you make orange juice, it would simply mean to abandon all negativity and find something positive. If you have to start, why not start with abandoning all those negative thoughts and move on to finding some positive things around it. It's never easy, but with effort, surely you will be able to build yourself up again. If you still fail, at least you failed knowing that whatever you've done, they are not without effort.

In that sense, the second phrase would mean to put more effort into life in seeking something new instead of working with what you already have as suggested in the first phrase. Either way, both are true. They are the kinds of things that keeps you going when you feel like there's nothing more to give. when the former has been used up, you take up the latter and strive on that.

There are no right or wrong in anything. It's just how you see things. You can choose to make it turn you down or you can also choose to help you build yourself up again.

the catch is here.

2010-05-30T00:06:00.000-07:00

sometimes.. i couldn't not be as strong as you want me to be.

sometimes.. i couldn't be the majestic person you claim me to be.

sometimes.. i couldn't give you what you've always expect me to be.

sometimes.. all the time. i would always have my love to give.

you're slipping through my fingers.
more and more each day
i dont want to wake up in the morning
knowing that you've walked away.
i've grown accustomed to what you give me
i just hope you can stay.
i never doubt that you would
i guess i'm the one leading you astray.
i'm to blame.
it can never be the same.

Come What May.

2010-05-27T11:06:00.000-07:00

Thank you.

for making me feel safe by doing what you do best, loving me even at my lowest point. for never giving up even when all I do is give you crap. for laughing with me through all the hard times. for making me see pass faults and believe in strengths that i never knew existed.

Thank you.

for being my rock even your walls crumble and you are feeling vulnerable. for giving me support and day and night love and attention even if you have limited time. for teaching me to appreciate and see small things in life. for making me patient and give yourself to me.

I never wanted Prince Charming and a "happy ever after". Fairy tales as good as they may sound are just that. Fairy tales. What I get from you is more that I can ever ask for. Not everything is there in front of your eyes, with effort and hard work though, we'll get there sooner or later. I promised you didn't I?

Nobody said this was going to be easy. But nobody said it is not something out of reach. It's a matter of choosing to go on with it or go half way. I'll make you stay as long as I can and try some more. You can say whatever you want and believe whatever but I am still staying.. If I will have to tell you over and over again I'll do it. You can throw anything or dump anything on me, I'll take them as long as I know I have fought to make you stay.

Because you are more than worth it. You're my savior.

2010-05-22T07:09:00.000-07:00

when you are faced with a choice, do you take it as a good opportunity or an opportunity loss?

how do you satisfy one without disappointing the other?

how do you make choices that can make everyone happy?

can you really find joy in satisfying others?

what if you're already so used to feeding on everyone else's happiness?

how do you find your own happiness like that?

for all i know, all my life, i am yet to find answers for these questions. being selfish is not an option when you don't know how to. sometimes the most obvious choice is not necessarily something you want.

25 Random things about my boyfriend Al-mu Syahrisyawal

2010-05-14T00:11:00.000-07:00

1. Used to own a red Volkwagen.

2. Is now the owner of a black satria WDV 5503

3. Bites his lips when he's in thinking mode.

4. Favourite movies include braveheart, independence day and almost all of Tom Hanks' movies

5. Watches chick flicks as a guilty pleasure. :p

6. Idolises his father.

7. Favourite drinks: Vanilla coke, milo (preferably home made), sirap bandung, tongkat ali (kalau mengantuk)

8. Gets high on chocolate and sugar and caffeine.

9. Favourite food: asam pedas (recent discovery: asam pedas ayam), masak lemak cili api, sambal ikan bilis, kubis masak lemak, ayam/daging goreng kunyit

10. a carnivore. the only vegetables he eats are kubis masak lemak, ladyfingers and kailan ikan masin.

11. has a favourite Clarks shoes that needs to be replaced.

12. A true Taurus indeed.

13. Superb photographer and excellent writer.

14. Creative, analytical, critical and responsible.

15. The baby of the family, last of four siblings.

16. Currently dating the eldest of four siblings.

17. First year mass comm degree student in Limkokwing University

18. Have written three sonnets. One of which is featured in this blog.

19. Geek at heart.

20. Adrenaline junkie.

21. Dreams of owning an Audi R8 by the time he reaches 30.

22. Wants to buy his own superbike but unfortunately does not own any licence. :p

23. Owns a 4Gig iPod with only 125 songs and two movies.

24. Has a heartbreaking smile and beautiful eyes.

25. The owner of seven hearts and mine.

13th May: A survivor's point of view.

2010-05-13T07:11:00.000-07:00

I know i never write on something like this, but what the heck.

I just returned from my grandmother's. she lives in a flat. when we arrived there, there were people everywhere downstairs and there were police. i asked one of the neighbours what had happened. she told me somebody hanged himself. it was a total shocker but the tragic part is yet to come.

I tried valiantly to cover my young sisters' eyes and ears as we went up to my grandmother's house. It was a waste because once we got up there, my grandmother told us that that someone who hanged himself was a 10 year-old boy. apparently he was fooling around with a rope and well.. i'll leave that as that.

Anyway, i chatted with my grandma after that. she asked whether i remembered that today was 13th of May. I said i do remember but i don't quite know what actually happened. For the people who are totally oblivious about what happened on this date, here's a dummies guide to 13th May.

13th May 1969 will always be remembered by all Malaysian as the bloody dot in their calender. and i mean it literally. there was a clash between two races and it got ugly. what i know was that it started in Kuala Lumpur and that spread. people were fighting with firearms and parangs and all sorts of weapons. A lot of people died that day. They say one of the reasons for it to start was the fact that the Chinese were monopolising the economy and the Malays couldn't quite settle with the idea. Some claim it to be part of a conspiracy and some other exterior motives. I guess if you put it that way, conspiracies are everywhere and we can't really trust anybody can we?

Anywho, my grandma's version was a lot more interesting to listen to.

It started off in Penang with an old man walking back from a surau. He went through Kampung Pulau at night, after Isya' prayers i guess and stumbled upon a chinese man selling kuihs. Kampung Pulau is a place where the majority of the chinese lived. It was dark and he couldn't see and when he accidentally hit the chinese man, the food fell off the motorcycle and supposedly, he hit the old man over and over again. Grandma told me there was a paint shop nearby and the old man was beaten using the paint can of which he died.

The story continues when the Malays from Jelutong heard of the news, obviously they weren't satisfied. They went to Kampung Pulau and picked a fight. BOOM! People came from everywhere and was fighting of which spread to KL.

She told me that that day was scary and it brought back memories from the WW2. The Emergency period was declared and there were curfews all the time. They had to stay in the house after dark and switch off all lights. they were only allowed out at about 6am to go to the market and buy their groceries and the market will close again at about noon. No one dared to sleep at all fearing for their lives. Grandma told me they dared not fall asleep because they are too afraid that someone might break into the house and slaughter them.

Police and FRU officers were everywhere. They would shoot at anyone who came out after the curfew. An emergency crew was placed in the suraus and masjids to give warning and to ask the people to evacuate their homes and go to the nearest surau or masjid if anything were to go even bad.

People were coming from everywhere with their parangs and guns. the police guarded the roads and houses, but they found another route to attack- from the sea. Luckily someone saw them and reported to the police. Grandma said God wanted to help the people if not the people in Jelutong would have been burnt to the ground. Another interesting part of her story was the way they chased away the chinese people. Supposedly the malays engaged a bomoh to make the chinese see flying parangs of which scared them away. I'm not claiming this to be true, but hey, who knows right?

It's really different when you hear the same story from a different point of view. Sometimes, the story will become livelier or if your unlucky, it will become dull. as for me, the 13th May story for me has always been about politics and propagandas and conspiracy theories. hearing my grandmother's side of the story was a change. It added colours to the history eventhough 13th May will always be in the colour red.

There's nothing political about this post. I just wanted to share a story told by a survivor. I mean, It's history after all right? The only thing that i can hope for is that the bloody past won't come back and haunt our future.

Oh, another historical movie i watched today was 'The boy in the stripped pyjamas'. It reminded me so much of the 'Kite Runner' where innocence loses to power. It shows how stupidity and ego can overpower the truth and purity that comes with innocence. It's good. You should really check it out. :)

Another one of life's unanswered questions.

2010-05-11T00:01:00.001-07:00

i just watched that movie.

The dead poets' society. i think it's one of the most awesome movie ever. other than the fact that it reminds me so much of my poetically darling boyfriend, it's really inspiring : Carpe Diem. Seize the day. because you'll never know what will happen tomorrow.

Another thing that got me thinking was drive. drive as in driven, motivation in doing something not drive a car. What is the thing that drives us in doing something? In the movie, the students, Neil Perry, Todd Anderson and Knox Overstreet were very much inspired and driven by their english lit teacher Mr. Keating to seize the day and do what their hearts tell them and not be afraid. It really got me thinking about motivations.

In the movie though, Perry died. He shot himself after a confrontation by his father. everybody was blaming Mr. Keating for planting ideas in his head about doing what he wants which is to become an actor whereas he was already well on his way to achieving his father's dream: to become a doctor. At this point, i was questioning something. was it really Mr Keating's words that forced this boy to kill himself or it was the father's? again, it's all about the motivation. this time, the drive that made him decide to kill himself.

How strong can or should a motivation to make people do what they do? will it ever be enough to even change a person's life? A person becomes a drive, a motivation, an inspiration to another's life when they give so much impact in that person's life. but how big though? It astounds me if i'm told that i am a lifesaver. i still maintain that i haven't done anything to be that much of an impact in one person's life.

This is simply because, i myself do not have that much motivation. i want to do so many things i'm just not driven enough to do it thoroughly. i guess in a way, that's what made me lost in the first place. having something, doing it without that drive and in the end, abandoning it.

Art, piano, badminton, bowling, skateboarding(at one point), guitar. i never actually finished learning any of them. To say i'm sufficiently good in any of them is actually the highest honour anyone can give me. I am yet to find something that i am passionate about. or at least the drive in doing something.

As of now, i am yet to seize the day. but i am taking it one step at a time. basking in every second of it and thanks to one special person i am trying to find things i might be good at. so far, i have no problems in writing, at least. i want to be better and ideas are pouring in i just need to start thinking a lot more critically so the course i'm taking helps in that. Don't stop being a motivation for me.

why don't you just shoot yourself in the head while you're at it. Would you like a gun?

2010-05-09T02:52:00.000-07:00

sometimes it bugs me how heartless humans can be. You say nice things in front and you do the very opposite of what you say. Don't get me wrong, I think being hypocritical is not wrong, to some degree of course. Because nobody's perfect, we're bound to go against what we say one way or another. BUT YOU NEVER go overboard because once you do, you have absolutely crossed the lines.

What does being humane have to do with being hypocritical though? It's one thing when you say you love trees, let the whole universe know of the fact and yet you smoke and throw rubbish like you own the world, and another thing when you feel like the world is rotting and you need to do something about it, you do bits here and there even if you know you know you're not any better. You have to always, always keep yourself in check and not say things that you yourself do not think you're capable of doing.

When you do tell people you want to change, tell them in the humblest and honest way possible. something like "you know what, i've done some really messed up stuff, i think it's time for me to change, don't you think? i'll start slowly. one step at a time." You don't go telling people things like "I just had a freaking revelation. God Himself has spoken to me. I feel like i'm a better person, i feel good about myself. you should follow in my footsteps."

My theory about the whole thing is simple. I believe in one principle and that is "Never Say Never" because if you do say things out loud and end up not doing it, it would not only will you end up looking bad, but you have just gone against yourself. huh. Another thing about this is that when you are not capable of doing something, baik jangan buat je. not unless you're really determined to do it.

It's not a problem if you do want to tell people. but try to stick to it. And make sure that you do want to do it because of that thing. not to cover up some lame ass lie to escape liability. i have no respect whatsoever for people like that. especially if you are hurting other people in the process.

Please, if you want to, by all means, hurt yourself but keep it that way. DO NOT CROSS THE LINE AND DRAG OTHERS INTO IT AS WELL.

It's just wrong. It's devastating when because of your lie, people become miserable. Because of your lie, you make people have hopes and hold on to every single thing you say. there is nothing more disgusting than lying your way out of something that you think is an encumbrance.

So, the next time you feel like doing something out of your league, please, just keep it to yourself until you have fool-proof evidence to show that you have the right to brag. If you want to lie to yourself, it's your problem, don't lie to people just so you can pull your butt out of a mess that you created in the first place.

***********************************

You'll rise above. You are better than this.

2010-05-08T11:36:00.000-07:00

Sumpah weh chick flicks get me crying all the time! waaaaaaaa

Please don't bother reading if you have allergies to OPLD (obsessive possesive love disorder)

2010-05-08T08:14:00.000-07:00

As of 11.14pm Malaysian time, I am officially missing you.
I have been missing you since the moment you took that second durian and sped off to the nearest mechanic which is quite near to my house. I won't apologize for this super psycho behaviour of mine because the last time you went away i didn't see you for eleven days and as i remembered it, it didn't go so well. And i haven't really been apart from you for a long time after that.

I hate being apart. Simply because i know, i won't always know where you are or what you're up to. And i know, that you will always keep yourself busy at all times just to not have free time to even think about missing me. While i'm here, doing nothing, even if i valiantly try to keep myself busy, my mind would always be on you. And everytime we're far away, even if i'm home, a small part of me will feel miserable. Just because you're not with me.

Everytime either of us is away, the same things keep happening. We have petty fights for the same reason and i have figured out that we both have the same paranoia: missing out on each other's activities. You know i'd always want to do whatever with you and i know you want to do everything with me. And when we can't, different kinds of fireworks come out producing the wrong sparks and they're not pretty.

But then again that's the best thing about you. I know no matter what happens, we can always talk ourselves out of it and the feeling after that is beyond fantastic. I know i will always love you more after that. i miss you. i don't need chick flicks now to cry because i miss you. It comes naturally. hehehe.

Thank you for sending me home. My dad made me promise not to do that to you ever again and i won't. I hope you enjoy your early birthday gift. It's nothing much though. It really means a lot that you took the time, energy, effort and resources to send me safely home. I couldn't ask for a better boyfriend. you're right. you've set the record. A standard too high for anyone else to reach and i don't want it any differently. Whatever it is, I'm just glad that it's you and no one else.

I know it's hard being apart.
But hold on. Stay a little longer. Stay forever.

Scars.

2010-04-13T19:17:00.001-07:00

scars.
they don't have to be physical, more scars are created through human emotions. most of them are abstract. do they really need to be negative all the time?
there's a quote saying,

"people have scars, in all sorts of unexpected places. like secret road maps to their personal histories, diagrams of all their old wounds. most of our wounds heal, leaving behind nothing but a scar."

more often than not, scars remind us of our supposedly dark past, the things we regretted and would very much like to bury deep deep underneath everything. but it is that one thing that keeps bringing us back to the past. a split second flash would bring back everything and anything we went through. nobody wants that, nobody wants to be reminded of their past mistake.

the healing of a wound will create a scar that will lead to a new one eventually. just when you think you've had it all, the world falls on you and you'd have to pick yourself up, again and again. so all our lives, it's about creating wounds and collecting scars. why take it so negatively?

"when life give you lemons, you make lemonade"

yes, it's true. it's never easy to take things positively, especially from a wound or a scar. it's hard to not think negatively when you've had so many things happening to you all at once. there are a lot of times when you feel like screaming and give up on everything. but you can try.

scars remind you of the things you regretted. scars remind you to not repeat the same things again. scars can make you look at things differently. a different perspective of things will enable you to think differently and therefore, judge, and act on things differently. see? it doesn't always have to be bad.

scars turn boys into men. they show that you've gone through things even if you're not ready to face them, scars are evidence that you have pulled through. you've succeeded in overcoming a period of peril and desperation. they are there to remind you that you have triumphed against a feat. they are there so that you have a right to say "i have been there, and i have pulled through."

but what if the wound is so deep, it never really healed itself. and you are left with an open wound permanently?

there are things in life that leaves wound and never really close up. that's when you would have to make a choice of moving on or try your best to cover it up. there are more times that these choices are not even choices. they cease to exist. these wounds are often very painful. it can break your heart everytime. but they are there and the fact that you can't really do anything about it, will constantly remind you of what you should have done. it repeats itself again and again like a broken record player.

some things, are better left behind.
it's never easy to start over. but it's the effort that counts.

i'll stand by you, regardless.

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

it changes everything. growing up, you start to realize life is not as easy as it used to be. gone are the times when you just play and not care. it's harder to care less now. every soul, every mind, everything start to matter that it makes things difficult to juggle. before you know it, previous priorities step down to make way for newer, 'important' ones. honestly, i think there is a difference between maturity and ageing. ageing will not make you mature. it definitely does not make you grow wiser if you are to ignorant to learn from all the things you go through.

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

reality check:
money does make the world go round, doesn't it?

you wake up in the morning and crap as much as you can before becoming a slave to your work.

2010-03-26T20:18:00.000-07:00

disconnected. it happens every once in a while when you feel like you cannot get through to anyone else and nobody else could get in.

the feeling? very much lonely. but it's not so bad once in a while.

Solitude. a peaceful, tranquil place to be in. you can let your mind roam freely without borders in the realm of imagination. no limit. no boundaries. you conquer everything. you'd have to be careful though, or you might end up staying there for a long time.

this is the only time where you get to think. but more often than not, this is the time where you over think about everything and end up becoming paranoid about everything.

it's called "Too much free time"

solitude i have one time too many. i have too much free time when i don't have any. when i don't have any time, i'd disconnect myself from everything but my selfishness. i mean everything.

i'm the most selfish when i'm with you.

the littlest things.

2010-03-24T10:53:00.000-07:00

10. letting me put up my feet on your lap.

9. making goofy faces and laugh with me.

8. taking my sisters out for a movie.

7. letting me drive your car.

6. taking me out for dinner as much as you can.

5. spending time even when you don't have any.

4. plucking out flowers out of nowhere.

3. making me cry to surprise me.

2. coming down to penang to spend less than 24 hours with me.

1. for being you.

For the Heart.

2010-02-25T21:41:00.000-08:00

reality is dawning and i can't seem to get a grip of it.

it has been too fun, too perfect and it's going away. too soon. too soon to even feel that I'm grasping it. that's when you realize that whatever you have, you have been taking it for granted. all those 5 seconds moments, those are the ones that count the most. i feel like i have been abusing it with petty feelings of insecurities and selfishness.

they won't come back though. it should be sad but the fact that it won't makes me hold on to the memory of it. and whenever i feel sad, i would just close my eyes and remember. remember the atmosphere, remember your eyes, the way you look at me, gentle and understanding, your smell, your voice, the way you talk to me, your smile, your silly jokes, your piece of mind, your beating heart. every small thing that is you and everything that makes me love you.

i'm still trying to adjust to this new life. it's only been three months anyway. and i'm starting to see the difference. i have to say, it may take a while to get used to. but these past three months, i have learned more than i can in three years. so, thank you for teaching me so much. i can't wait to learn more. :)

i'm lucky to have had all those memories with you and it could last me a lifetime. it's hasn't failed me yet. so i won't let go of it.
forgive my hastiness, my lack of ability to plan and pay attention to details, my inability to regard you feelings. forgive me for worrying you too much and for giving you unnecessary headaches. i'll be better. i promise. don't give up on me yet.

you can be angry, annoyed, irritated, disappointed, stressed out about me. but i know you'd still love me regardless. as i do you.

happy third month anniversary, Cinta.

me against myself.

2010-02-13T06:36:00.000-08:00

I didn't retort.
But do not get me wrong, it's not because i don't have anything to say about it,
not because i know you are right, not because i should shut up.
I would want to say, "just put yourself in my position",
but what for? it still won't justify anything.
Not to you.
I would say "you hurt me",
but what for? i know you're hurt by me too.
So, i save my comments.
I had hoped you looked at things differently,
but that's just it.
we can't always understand people's motives, their perspectives and justifications.
and people can't always understand us wholly.

if putting on a mask is the only rule to the game,
so be it.

it destroyed as it builds thicker walls.
i am not ready to face the world.
as it is not for me.

insomniac.

2010-01-29T22:44:00.000-08:00

it's the kind of thing that keeps you awake at night, really. how people do things. some are fairly predictable in their actions. while others can really do things that leaves us speechless and amazed, regardless whether it is something good or not. it keeps you awake at night thinking why people do what they did. more often than not, when you have found the answer to your question, the answer is surprising sometimes very much straight-up dumb, other times you would see how unselfish the decisions are. maybe. or maybe, the unselfish decision is actually an outer layer of the real selfish one.

in hindi films, the "hero(ine)" sacrifices his or her love for his best friend. why? for drama purposes, it would become the selling point of that movie because it is a sure shot tear-jerker. well, it mst have happened before if it was to end up in a movie, right? so why would he or she sacrifice his/her true love in real life? maybe he/she knows that by choosing love, he/she will lose another type of love. a bond that can never be replaced or substituted. but that's just a maybe. you can see it from one point of view that, "hey, this is a great sacrifice. sacrificing your true love for your best friend", or you can see it in another point of view, say, "he does not want to take the risk of losing his best friend over some girl that may or may not end up with him". he is selfish in terms of preferring his mate over the girl because he knows, his greatest happiness comes from his friend and nothing can change that.

then, in teenage dramas we see girls stalking their friend's ex-boyfriend. they would say mean things among themselves. keep themselves updated on recent developments of his new relationship status. again, this is another reality. why would they do that? possible answer from the girls would be, "i care about my friend, this guys had hurt her in ways you do not understand. sure she has done things. but come on, everybody makes mistakes, right?" yeah, well then what would you get if you do stalk him anyway? i mean, clearly he has moved on. as good friends, i think you should be helping her move on as well. tell her, "ah, he's no good anyway. it's his loss. you know you deserve better anyway.". but no, you just have to make his life a living hell until one point, you'd realize, what is it for anyway? 15-minutes of satisfaction? it won't get you anywhere. the real answer though, would sound something like, "i am actually bored and not really contented with my life right now that i need to trash on some other people's life to entertain myself. it's a good piece to talk about among my girlfriends anyway, at least that is something to do.". C'est la vie and it really is selfish.

it intrigues me why people do what they do. they can be irrational, absurd and unpredictable. but they still do it no matter how unpractical or illogical it may seem. the best part of it all, nobody can talk some sense into it because once the decisions are made, they stay. no matter how much they are willing to negotiate or consider another alternative, it would still be a variation of that decision. in some ways, it would still be in their favor.

the only way to succumb to changes and accept other alternatives is by self-realization. no one can really help you but yourself. not unless you want to help yourself. until then, by all means, feel sorry for yourself. you're sure to get pity from everybody around you. other than that, you're on your own.

so long 2009.

2009-12-31T05:02:00.000-08:00

it's new year's eve. a decade has passed and we're moving on and of course so much has happened in the past ten years. i cannot believe that it has been 10 years since the year 2000 and i will be 21 in 2010. only now it occured to me that i never really held on to what has happened. everything seems to slip pass me and i never even did so much give a second thought to the things that happen. this was how unappriciative i was. and i regretted for taking them for granted. but these past few years have taught me a few things and by the end of this year, Alhamdulillah, i am finally able to feel the ground that i stand on.

2009 was one heck of a year. it had been a rollercoaster ride from the very beginning. it started off great because it was the first time ever that i celebrated new year's outside and i also made friends with a few strangers. suddenly the world became small and everybody was my friend. it should be a good sign. but it wasn't.

it started a chain of events that put me through the worst phase of my life. i've never felt my self esteem being so low, i found myself crying at night almost every night. it was then that i really started to smoke heavily.

being kicked out of a friend's house made it worse. i found myself abandoned and forsaken at times. but i kept smiling because i didn't want to be sad. i don't want to keep feeling sorry for myself. so i disregarded them. i tried to find my own ways to live my life.

my family was also at a dire state. my mom broke down a couple of times in front of me and i've never felt so helpless. i didn't know what to do. i was so far away from home. i wanted to see my mom so much but at the same time, i didn't want to go home because it felt like it was broken. i wanted so much to run away.

suffice to say, the first part of 2009 was not at all a good period of time. it was painful. afterwards, things started off slowly as well. i moved into my first apartment. rented, but still, my first time living in a house with other people besides my family. these 8 ohters were strangers to me but i'm glad we, at least i, can live comfortably with everyone of them.

things started to become off balance by now, i really grew up. it was then that suddenly i felt like it was time for me to live my own life. but i was torn apart. i wasn't brave enough to move forward. so i bolted myself in the past. slowly, i began to lose my way. the lines blurred, i started to have even more insecurities and i hid from the world.

my cousin, i felt that we were growing apart. it felt sad as i felt like i didn't have anyone else i could count on. growing apart from her tears me inside and i've never felt so lonely that time.

my closest friends, i felt like they were slipping away from me. eventhough they're always there with me, i felt like they weren't there for me and i wasn't there for them. i didn't feel like they needed me. i confronted this to one of them and i'm glad that after that, everything was repaired between us.

part of me, has done it's job. i have my friends back, my family started to stabilize little by little,i also confronted my cousin on the matter. everything got back to normal. i had no complains. but i was at that state where i felt that i was living for the sake of living. i have no idea what i wanted, where my life is heading. my life then was so predictable and motionless. nothing changed. it felt rigid. i broke down a couple of times but i still didn't know what to do about it. my future was to me, very bleak.

it was towards the end that things started to brighten up. i met a few people who really affected me, changed my life and make me look at things differently. the first was a friend's boyfriend. he is the first ever person who i've met that is more than devoted to his girlfriend. he knew what he wanted and all he wanted was her. now that is something straight out of a book. he was also a person who he claims to be a friend that is not lovable but at the same time not someone you can hate. regardless, i have an unexplained soft spot for him and it's true, i've never quite had a friend like him. thank you so much.

his friend, i thought he was quite snobbish at times. he never talked much. but he's always there whenever his friend is there, so i guess i've developed an unintentional friendship with this guy. he's actually not bad at all. i just wish he'd find a girlfriend soon though.

the last person i got to know this year was the one that affected me the most. a complete stranger who told me i was lost. it was overwhelming. like a whirlwind of past memories coming back to haunt me. but it's not haunting, it came out as a revelation and i was able to look at it and finally understand. it didn't make sense. but i felt it. i felt how lost i was, i saw how broken i was. he made me cry. not because he said something hurtful, but by simply being honest. until this day, i have no idea how he managed to see past my barriers but he did and it shook me.

it was after that that i finally took control of my life. i unbolted my feet from the cold hard ground and started to flap wings that i never even knew i had. i began to look at things differently. i counted my blessings, i start to appreciate people and things more and most of all, i am able to accept myself for who i am.

by being himself, he has taught me so much about how life should never be taken for granted and should always be appreciated. how precious time is and to waste it would be a great loss. how love can be pure and unconditional and should not be forced into. how it comes on its own and stays in our hearts. and fate. how everything is fated and nothing is a coincidence, how God answered his prayers, how everything that happened led to everything that is happening now and how a piece of my puzzle can easily fit his perfectly.

it took him less than a month to make me see all these things while i have been wasting a year trying to even figure out what went wrong.

i am truly grateful for everything that has happened. thanks to him, i'm able to find blessings under thick layers of mishaps. thanks to him, i'm able to love myself more and thanks to him, i am finally free.

so, i guess i can say that 2009 is not at all a bad year for me.

a very huge but never enough thank you to Al-mu Syahrisyawal, for wrapping 2009 and tying a big red ribbon around it and giving it the most perfect ending anybody can ever ask for. i love you so very much. and i am looking forward to a new beginning with you by my side.

i need......

2009-12-28T06:56:00.000-08:00

i need fresh air.
i need to breathe again.
i need to get out.
i need to stop stalking.
i need to stop obsessing.
i need to see my friends.
i need to socialize.
i need to lectures.
i need to write again.
i need to go back.

i need to get my own life.
sigh....

10 for 2010.

2009-12-28T06:38:00.000-08:00

1. to work harder and not play around.

2. to lose weight (sorry pekko, i don't mean to back stab you)

3. to be more responsible.

4. to be more critical in some ways; to be able to use my head more.

5. to be able to forgive past mistakes and move on.

6. to give more than to take.

7. to appreciate.

8. to be dependable and not disappoint anybody.

9. to live life the way i want.

10. to fulfill all those things by 2011. :)

Three: Revelation.

2009-12-24T07:30:00.000-08:00

*please read the two previous posts before continuing with this one*

my knees buckled when i saw pa. i started to cry as i call out for him. Ya Allah what was going on? the petite thing saw my expression and it turned. Excited, it went to pa at lightning speed and came back to me snickering. it let out a laugh, almost like a wail and a wicked chuckle that gave me goosebumps. the winds blew as she cackled, the windows closed and opened as if there was a riot. the small one asked me again "mana hutang kau skarang?". i build up my confidence and spoke through my cracked voice, "aku ada duit, aku bawak untuk kau. lepaskan bapak aku!". the thing gave me a sinister smile and kept staring at me. suddenly, she turned to pa and said "dia dah datang." the small one was nothing compared to what came next.

my whole life flashed in front of my eyes as i saw pa. he was hung on a noose but he was levitating. there was a platform and the noose was tied to a big red arch. it was really frightening. i know pa was calling out for me, i can see it in his eyes but somehow his voice wont come out. "apa kau nak?! lepaskan bapak aku!". the ground beneath me shook and out of nowhere, an apparition appeared. slowly it became clear. this one look more human but her eyes were a lot more sinister. she wears kebaya nyonya and her hair was worn in an updo. she looked rather sophisticated. she was holding a book and a pencil. she had this devilish smirk on her face. even though she looked harmless, this lady scared the hell out of me.

she approached me slowly. she was actually floating towards me graceful and ready to attack at any sudden movement. her gaze never left my eyes and i cannot look away. the closer she got to me, the more i can smell her. she smelt nice. fragrant but with a hint of something dead. and then it came to me, it was the same smell from the bedroom. i tried to move away and suddenly she was behind me whispering into my ears. "kau rindu bapa kau?", she asked. her breath was cool and smelt like melur but was rotten at the same time. i almost vomited. she let out a wail and her little friend cackled with her.

"kau ada apa yang aku mahu?" she asked me again. what do you want? what do you want?? it was all alien to my ears. "bapa kau tak ada apa yang aku mahu, jadi aku panggil kau. aku pikir kau sudah lupa bapa kau. tapi aku tak salah bila memanggil kau malam tadi." "apa yang kau nak dari aku? aku tak tahu apa-apa. lepaskan bapa aku. biar kami pergi!" i can hear myself pleading to her. she ignored me and kept on talking and drifted towards pa. "kenapa kau tak beritahu anak kau seng? kenapa kau susahkan kerja aku? kau tahu kan aku tak suka orang lambatkan kerja aku." she was angry now but quickly pulled herself together.

"nampaknya aku perlu beritahu anakmu sendirilah seng." she returned to me and began telling me her story. "masa kau kecil dulu, bapa kau telah buat perjanjian dengan aku. dia mahu aku majukan perniagaan dia. kau tahu tak, inilah tempat dia panggil aku. sebelum kau dilahirkan, tempat ni kubur. seng panggil aku, merayu padaku untuk bantunya. katanya, dia akan buat apa sahaja aku mahu. syarat aku tak susah. aku lapar aku hanya mahu makan. tak salah kan? tapi bila seng sudah maju, dia mula lupakan aku. aku tunggu dia setiap malam tapi dia tak pernah datang. aku tidak tamak tapi aku semakin lapar. tiada siapa beri aku makanan lagi. malam tadi aku panggil bapa kau. bila dia tak mahu beriku makanan, aku panggil lah kau. aku pikir kau tahu semuanya. kau tak ingat kawan aku ben? kamu sering bermain bersama dahulu."

the hair on the back of my hair stood up and the little one came smiling at me. she cackled again and again. she kept saying "aku rindu kau". it was a tad freaky but i could not ignore it. the sinister one was suddenly in front of my face. "jadi, kau ada apa yang aku mahu?" i shook my head. "aku tak tahu apa kau mahu dari aku." "ben, ben, ben. aku laparlah. aku tak mahu main-main lagi. kenapa kau tak bawa anak kau? mesti sedap" she answered and gave a sinister laugh that shook the house. "kau jangan dekat dengan keluarga aku! kau jangan berani dekat dengan keluarga aku!"

"hmm. sudahlah ben. aku tak mahu tunggu lagi. nampaknya kau tak boleh bantu bapa kau. tapi ben, jangan kau lupa. aku tak akan kemana-mana. aku akan tetap menuggu. kau jangan pikir kau boleh lupakan aku. aku akan panggil kau juga satu hari nanti. buat masa ni, bapa kau pun jadilah." she laughed and the ground shook again, this time even harder.

everything happened fast. the sinister one retreated first. she gave me a quick smile and disappeared. the little one too disappeared slowly soon after. i struggled on to my feet and ran to pa. we were both crying now. i tried to untie the noose around his neck but he was merely shaking his head. i told him i will free him and asked him to hold on. then a voice was whispering in my ear. it was pa's but i could see his lips not moving. "ben, leave it be. it's too late now. i made my choice. go son, go now. take ma with you and tell her i am very sorry and that i love her. tell su and your children i am sorry i never got the chance to meet them. let me go, ben. i love you, son."

what are you talking about pa? dont talk nonsense! we are going home. you're going to see ma and su and the kids. just hold on. i love you too. please hold on! but that was all i could think of. i didnt speak a word of this to pa. i didnt know if he ever knew this because after his voice whispered to me, the ground started to sink. there was a pull. i can feel it pulling pa and the platform, but i dont feel anything pulling me. suddenly i was alone. the sun came up and there was nothing there except for the house. it was too late. she took pa. pa is gone.

Two: Redemption.

2009-12-24T07:29:00.000-08:00

*please read the previous post before continuing with this one*

i searched around the house for pa. i called out for him but there was no answer so i went in. the old house was big and empty now. i have never seen it so still, so vacant.the jati furnishing and the chinese decorations were still there. like they were there 20 years ago. only now, they're covered with cobwebs and dust. even though it was empty, there was a suffocating feel to it like there were people in it and it made me feel claustrophobic. i went to the windows and a sudden chill ran down my neck. at that same moment i saw a flash of white came directly towards me and passed by me. it went away as swiftly as it came. the wind blew in on my face and it was soft and chilly. but i was already sweating and feeling faint by then. i decided to go to the couch nearby and sit for awhile. it had been a long journey from home.

this living room held a thousand memories. this was where i first met su. i was 18 then, and su had come for a visit here with her family during the holidays. she looked very demure in her kebaya nyonya with her hair plaited. but su was not a typical malay girl who's reserved and shy. su was feisty. she had no problems with speaking her mind and i had a dose of it when she commented on the house to me thinking i was a gust too. she had a lot to say and i knew i should be bored but i wasn't. i was totally taken away by her. when she found out i was the son of the owner. su blushed, but didnt immediately apologize. she only said that it was her opinion and that it was supposed to be a building comment. i wasn't listening anymore by then. i was staring at her melted chocolate brown eyes.we became good friends after that until i decided to propose to her and to my surprise, agreed to marry me.

i felt a strong gush of air all of a sudden and realized that i have dozed off on the couch. what was strange was the windows. they were sealed shut. i wasn't scared but merely curious. thinking that it was pa, i went to the kitchen to find him. again i was left disappointed. the kitchen was very dusty. the silverware had now succumbed to time and had turned brown. the porcelains in the kitchen cabinet were covered with cobwebs but they were still. untouched. everything in the kitchen looked almost preserved. it looked like a scene in titanic when they went inside it and found everything intact and preserved. only instead of sea creatures, there was cobwebs. it made me sad. a sort of feeling mourning that you cannot quite get a hold of and you dont know what you're mourning for anymore. this house was not the house i grew up in anymore. it felt like a stranger and i needed to get out.

i passed by the bedroom and it was a sight to see. the room was lit with candles the sort that looked like they came out from a shakespear play. some were placed on the floor and some on antique candle holders. the room looked dark and very red. the windows were draped in red, the bedsheet is red and it gave a malicious feel to the room. adding to the whole atmosphere, black dead roses were scattered all over the place as well as melur and cempaka petals. the room was fragrant and sweet with a hint of a pungent, nasty note to it almost like something died. there was also an altar at the corner of the room complete with lit jossticks and offerings.

i know pa had been a very superstitious man and he probably still is, but this is way too much with the petals and strange fragrance. i really needed to get out from this house with or without pa. i took out my cell to call su but there was no network. so i stuffed it back into my jeans. as i was walking to open the door, it burst open and strong wind came in my direction. again there was the white flash i saw earlier. this time, instead of passing by, it stopped in front of me and this time, i really saw it.

it was a petite thing. it looked like a small girl but its face was that of a woman. she had long black hair flowing but was unruly and was all over her face. but i can clearly see her face. it was white as marble and flawless. her eyes were black as the night and was unfathomable and her expression wild with anger and excitement. her approach made me fall and now she was staring at me. circling but never taking her dead black eyes off me. with a nasty snarl she asked me in malay, "mana hutang kau?" she kept on asking but i couldnt answer. i didnt know what she was talking about.

my eyes were wild trying to find something to help me escape. my heart was beating so fast it could escape my body. in my head, i was trying to remember anything from the Holy Quran but nothing came out. and then directly in front of the entrance, i saw pa. i found pa.

One: Return.

2009-12-24T07:27:00.000-08:00

i've never really seen this house so empty before. lifeless. unwanted. it has been part of my childhood. my memories of growing up are significantly tainted by this very big old house. pa built in in the forest and rented it to very rich people who wanted to escape reality in the hopes of finding peace and tranquility in this house. it had a very 'kampung' feel to it as it was modeled from a typical malay 'kampung' house with pillars and wooden walls. inside, however, was very exquisite filled with imported jati furnitures and chinese decorations. our family name hung on the front entrance in red and gold.

pa used to take me here when i was a little boy. i used to love being here especially when pa was working. i would play around in the house with my imaginary friends and at times i would really bug pa. but instead of being angry or annoyed, he would play along and send me off somewhere on what he called a new mission. it was like a scavenger hunt to find a treasure or something hidden. i never figured out how he did it, hiding the 'treasures' when he was so busy working. every time i asked him, he would merely answer "i have my little helpers" and shoo me off to find them. the treasures weren't big or fancy. at times it was only an old teddy bear but i could have sworn there was this one time, it was money that i found.

pa was a very superstitious man. he was friends with a lot of malays who always warned him about the forest. he will then remind me to be respectful and to not simply play around the forest especially at dusk. he often told me that if i were to play out there, 'hantu tetek' will come and hide me under her breasts and take me away. it scared me even though it sounded funny and ridiculous as i'd seen ma's breasts before and figured that it would have to be very big to hide me under it. anyway, i dont believe in that anymore. i'm too old for that now.

that was all a long time ago. i left it all a long time ago. when i was 20 i told pa i wanted to take over his business. pa had always been serious about his job and was very successful doing it. however, he remained humble and taught me to be humble too. i did and everybody loved me for it. he was also very generous and giving. he provided jobs for his friends and helped some start small businesses. when i was 20 i told him i wanted to manage the old house.but he refused me over and over again. at times, he would go ballistic about the issue and fire a bomb at every living person in the room especially me. but i wasn't going to give up. i was really adamant in that sense.so i kept pursuing it. ma always said that i was a really stubborn and determined just like pa. therefore, i did what i do well, be like pa.

i also told him about my malay girlfriend whom i intended to marry one day. he did'nt take the news too well. he flipped about me marrying a malay girl but being the boy that i was, i didn't care. i loved su too much. so i did. when he found out about this. he refused to talk to me any longer. he also stopped ma from talking to me. even though my decision to convert and marry su shocked ma, she never got angry and blessed our marriage. she told me "someday, you'll understand".

that was the last time i saw my parents. i kept walking and never turned back until i was successful myself. i'm able to support my family but always remind myself to stay humble and generous as Allah would repay you back generously too. i tell my family this too and so far Allah has awarded us with so many blessings. sometimes, i would pray to Him to keep pa and ma safe and prayed for him to guide them and give 'Hidayah' to them. and i still do it until now.

i received a surprising phone call one night. it was pa. he sounded weary and tired but at the same time anxious and scared. he wanted me to come to the old house at once and that it was really important. i asked him why he'd call me in the middle of the night but he'd already hung up.

i didn't know what was going on. but i came. i left su and my children and came back to the old house. i've never seen it so empty before. i called out for pa but no answer. the furniture and decorations are still there as it was there 20 years ago. only now, it was covered in cobwebs and dust. it still looked exquisite but eerie at the same time. this place had been abandoned a long time ago. i don't know what was going on but i can't help but feel that i am about to find out and i won't like how tonight ends.

How Do I Love Thee

2009-12-23T23:12:00.000-08:00

"How do I love thee? Let me count the ways.
I love thee to the depth and breadth and height
My soul can reach, when feeling out of sight
For the ends of Being and ideal Grace.
I love thee to the level of every day's
Most quiet need, by sun and candlelight.
I love thee freely, as men strive for Right;
I love thee purely, as they turn from Praise.
I love with a passion put to use
In my old griefs, and with my childhood's faith.

I love thee with a love I seemed to lose
With my lost saints, I love thee with the breath,
Smiles, tears, of all my life! and, if God choose,
I shall but love thee better after death."

-Elizabeth Barret Browning

life's too short to be taken for granted. it's too short to take people around you for granted.

2009-12-20T20:45:00.000-08:00

"Isn't it funny how time seems to slip away so fast
One minute you're happy, the other you're sad...
Why won't you take the chance
Before our time has gone
If life is so short, if life is so short"- the moffats.

okay. the moffats. they are adorable. until same same came out. anyway.. yes. time does slip away fast. without us noticing it pass, everything happens in front of your eyes, before you can even grasp the concept of what's happening, they've passed. there's no way you are going to get it back.

life. for example, is one of those things that happen. that goes on without stopping. before you know it, you have achieved this, managed to get through that. you keep going and once you get the tandem, you just don't stop. it becomes a habit, a way of life that sticks to you like a bolted nail to the door. the question is, when do you stop to appreciate what you've done? most of us do not have enough time to do this. to bask in their achievements. they are just so used to doing something that not achieving anything would be a complete disappointment. so they go on. they don't stop.

there are also people who fails to see this. they are the complete opposite, they just don't do anything at all. these people, their lives are basically run by others. they sit around and expect people to do everything for them. these are the people who depend too much on others and are so used to do it that they fail to appreciate what they get. what people are giving them. what's important to these creatures are the fact that their lives are run for them. their lives go on. others' didn't matter, never mattered. selfish you might call it. but it's them.

along the way, you will run into people. people that are destined to go through life with you, people you meet and leave halfway, people that are not worth your time maybe. you may or may not notice these people but they are there for a reason. they may not matter now, but someday, they will become a significant entity during the course of your life. the ones that matter, are the least you expected them to be.

why?

simply because you are just so used to their presence in your life. they have been there all your life, be it in front, behind or side by side, they are there and never left. these are the ones you tend to disregard. for some reason we become blinded, maybe even too comfortable to notice a simple contribution given to us by these generous people. these are the people who never voice out their frustration, their disappointment and never gave up on us simply because they have a single hope that maybe one day, one day we might notice their effort, their sacrifices and appreciate them. some kindred heart may even do it because they just want to make other people happy. most of the time, they have no choice. actually, no, they do have a choice. they can choose not to do anything, but they still do. because of love, gratitude? who knows, they just do and never fail to deliver.

if you are the over-achiever, you disregard these little people simply because you are too busy running your life, too busy to stop and notice to even listen to these small voices. to you, they are insignificant. they are not important enough for you to sacrifice your time for. not worth your time.

if you are the dependant one, you fail to recognize their contributions because they are always there for you. them helping you, is something normal, something to be expected and after a while, they become part of your life, snd you become used to it. when they fail to meet that expectation, you spat at them. just because you are so used to seeing them doing things for you, achieving things for you, that when they don't, you see them failing you don't see anything else.

these are the people that you ignore. the ones that are always with you. no matter how much of a loner you are, no matter how well known, no matter how much you depend on others, there will always be people around you that gives that meaning in your life. the people you dismiss, people not worth your time.and it's like that. it has always been like that. you will only notice them when they are no longer in your life. no more. that is when you will realize that you have taken them for granted, and by doing so, you failed, you failed to appreciate your life and everything in it. and to be regretting, to be remorseful is too much, too late.

time, life, people are too precious to be disregarded.

100 random facts about me. please, you are not in any way obliged to read.

2009-12-19T19:42:00.000-08:00

1. i was named after an athlete: a gymnast to be spesific.

2. but i am nowhere near athletic.

3. i'm in a family of lawyers, studying to become one

4. i find it hard to be interested in law.

5. i am not what my parents think i am

6. i refuse to follow them, regardless, i love them with all my heart.

7. i have never been single for approximately 7 years.

8. i feel more blessed now than i've ever felt before.

9. i'm starting to appreciate simple things in life.

10. i used to be a pain in the rear end.

11. i was a brat; and most of my cousins hated me.

12. i was born in a well-off family; and i'm thankful i went through that phase.

13. the economic downturn affects me more than i can imagine; i'm adjusting myself well so far.

14. i can be too selfish for my own good.

15. i lost a sister to food poisoning.

16. and almost lost mine as well.

17. discipline is not in my life dictionary; i'm trying.

18. i am a victim of severe low self esteem.

19. i can be affected by a simple comment, eventhough most of the time i dismiss them.

20. i am usually the clown. when they laugh at me, i laugh with them. but i do not appreciate being degraded.

21. i have a father that is very hard to live with. but i very much look up to him.

22. i have extreme adoration and admiration towards my mother. although i don't show her as much love as i'm supposed to.

23. i wasn't brought up in a family who give hugs and kisses. so i seldom do that to my parents and sisters.

24. however, i have no problem whatsoever showing love to other people. :D

25. but that doesn't mean i give away hugs and kisses easily.

26. i used to live in bangsar for 6 months.

27. while i was there, i used to have a mentally disturbed maid who listens to my phone calls and bangs on my door while holding a knife.

28. i know i will have to carry on my father's responsibilty once i start working.

29. i hate to be put expectations upon.

30. i judge books by their covers. if the illustrations is not good, i won't buy them.

31. i cannot stand romantic, pornographic novels that describes the act of love-making.

32. that doesn't mean i don't like my guy being romantic. please, by all means, sweep me off my feet.

33. i don't judge people based on what they do.

34. simply because i do not like people to judge me.

35. i like dressing up, but is lacking in the closet department.

36. i do not have piercings.

37. i have an unexplained paranoia towards needles.

38. i don't like to be forced to do something, even if you say it's for my own good.

39. i've been wanting to go to paris since i can remember. i don't know why.

40. i am yet to find something to be passionate about.

41. i have never been thin ever.

42. i don't like the fact that i am big-boned.

43. i believe everyone is a hypocrite at some point of their lives.

44. the more you force something on me, the more i will loathe it.

45. i like watching movies and listening to music.

46. i am not good at expressing my feelings.

47. there are times where i cannot think critically. i see the insides of a box, not outside.

48. i can be shallow. there are no depths in me.

49. i don't think i am interesting.

50. i am an envious creature.

51. i don't like watching hallmark movies.

52. i only know a few people on facebook and very rarely add people.

53. i am not a devout muslim. i am yet to receive that calling.

54. i am afraid of heights. but i'd like to go bungee jumping.

55. people say i look like my boyfriend. note: we are not related.

56. however, my aunty's husband is somewhat related to my boyfriend's mother's side of the family.

57. i like the way he talks and i feel sorry for people who has a crush on my boyfriend. sorry chickas he's mine.

58. i secretly want to have a band. but i can't even play any instrument.

59. i can sing all britney spears' old songs.

60. i am not picky when it comes to food.

61. i am nothing like what my zodiac sign is. a virgo, the only thing i think i can relate to is the virgin part.

62. i've experienced the karma effect.

63. i don't entertain application invites on facebook.

64. my sisters and i look nothing like each other. but i don't think i am adopted.

65. as much as i can't wait to get married and start a family, i would very much like to continue studying, get at least a master's degree, work, have a steady income before settling down.

66. i am very warm. LITERALLY, warm.

67. i've been stung by a jellyfish once.

68. of which i was peed upon afterwards.

69. it took a person i didn't know back then to tell it to my face that i was lost.

70. i like sushi, subway sandwich and ikea meatballs very much.

71. i almost puked while doing add maths paper during spm because i was literally sick of studying it for sometimes 4 hours a day.

72. i've always wanted to be a lawyer until i was in form 3. i wanted to become an architect.

73. my first real camping experience was in australia.

74. i would like to go back to japan someday.

75. my laptop is pink. there used to be a time where my mp3 player, my wallet, and my phone was all pink.

76. i may look tough but i am the most fragile being i've ever known. physically and mentally.

77. i like to watch horror movies and sad sad romantic movies. screaming and crying are great tools to vent out your emotions.

78. i LOVE cirque du soleil! i wish i had the chance to see their beatles tribute.

79. i keep changing my blog name. sigh.

80. someone significant back then once told me i don't have a pendirian.

81. it's not that i am, i'm just easily influenced.

82. i lost a debate to a journalist and a chef once.

83. i have a very small group of friends.

84. i don't socialize well. i find it awkward to fit in sometimes.

85. i've been wearing glasses since i was in standard two.

86. i like guys who can play guitar. i don't have to search anymore. :)

87. i used swear a lot.

88. sometimes, the thought of having my ears pierced is too girly and i'll think i'm a pondan. haha

89. this is fact number 89. i was born in 1989.

90. i don't have a particular talent.

91. i am gullible which is not something i should be.

92. my friends' mothers freak out when they are told on the phone that their daughters are sharing a dorm room with "faiz". hehe.

93. i can be really really lazy at times.

94. i played kenong in gamelan. which is probably the easiest thing to play besides the gong.

95. i can alternate between talking to penangites and non-penangites. i can talk without that penang accent easily.

96. both my parents have 7 siblings. my mom has one brother and my father has one sister. my mother is the second last child in the family while my father is the second.

97. i have a boyfriend who adores, appreciates and loves me inside out and sees me differently from others.

98. i love love my family, my boyfriend and my friends. my strength lies in them.

99. i am very thankful to have the people in my life right now.

100. at long last, i am finally not afraid to be myself. i am free.

heartfelt condolences.

2009-12-19T04:06:00.000-08:00

how do you react to the news of a passing of a person? do you say, "i'm sorry for your loss"? yes, you do. you might also add in the "be strong" speech ond the usual "it's he's time". i have always been awkward whenever i am told that somebody have passed away. how can you be comforting? by being understanding? by talking good things that the Arwah has done? how do you do that if you never knew the person? you can't not say anything because that will indefinitely spell out DONKEYHOLE, but then again, maybe keeping quiet is what they need. a time to reminisce perhaps.

i say all those things mentioned above but is it enough? is it enough to provide the person who is facing the loss with some sort of emotional strength? it never is. especially when you know that you should be there for them, you want to be there for them but yet, the fact remains, they lost a loved one. no words can make it better, no words are enough to give that comforting effect. there and then, you will feel this overwhelming feeling of helplessness and frustration for not being able to do anything.

trying to comfort them is of course something you have to do. and you do it. but you can only do as much. i guess what is important is for you to be there. let them do all the talking, and you budge in every now and then. give them a shoulder to cry on, ask them to be strong.

as for me, all i can say is this,

i am really sorry for your loss. semoga Allah tempatkan dia di kalangan orang yang beriman, InsyaAllah. be strong, you'd know he'd want you to. cry if you must, but don't cry too much over the fact that he has passed because obviously God loves him more and we can help him out by praying for him. sedekah al-Fatihah, Yaasin. he is InsyaAllah in a good place now, better than here. sure you will miss his presence, so think about all the godd times you had with him and sedekah some more al-Fatihah. Don't ever be sad for him. Sabar, istighfar banyak-banyak.pray for him, he's meeting his maker now.

sayang, i'm sorry for your loss. and i'm sorry i can't give you more than what i've said. but you know, i'm always here for you.

malfunction.

2009-12-16T06:39:00.000-08:00

malas nak fikir lah!
-tapi takde bende nak fikir.

RIMAS!!!
-tapi takde orang kacau or invade my space.

KUSUT!!
-tapi pakai conditioner.

i don't know why i feel so depressed today.
-maybe because i'm bored.
-maybe because i haven't told my dad i failed two subjects.
-maybe because i can't go to kl.
-maybe because i miss you too much.

i've had it up to here.

2009-12-16T03:25:00.000-08:00

i keep listening to the phrase, "cannot depend on others".
i hear it every time i come home.
i doubt that it will stop ringong in my ears.
i try not to depend on others.

but you,
you say it over and over again.
do you do it over and over again?
yes. yes you do.
you depend on people about almost everything.
your whole life is run by a particular person,
and apparently non of it are enough.
no thank yous, no pleases, nothing.

do you have any idea that
if you put all your hopes and trust in one person,
you will end up with nothing?
this is what is happening.
not because the person you depend on is untrustworthy,
its simply because you put to many responsibilty on the person and it became to heavy to bear.

if you don't know how to do something,
learn. don't give up because you're lazy.
what are you waiting for?
for everybody to disappear?
will you try to learn something then?

nanti bila dah cakap benda ni,
kena bebel jugak.
pandai-pandai nak ajar orang.
aku sedar aku baru setahun jagung. tak hidup lama mana.
i know you've lived long enough,
i know you have experience,
but you won't be here today, like this,
if you'd for once are not lazy,
if you don't depend on others,
if you show more than enough effort to do things!

kalau Tuhan dah bagi kite hidop,
we live.
bukan tunggu nak mati.
bukan hidup day by day to die.
usaha! bila dah jatuh bangun balik!
bukan duduk termenung mengenang nasib.
bukan tunggu rezeki turun dari langit!
memang rezeki datang dari Allah,
tapi kalau dah takde usaha nak dapat rezeki,
nothing will fall from the sky!

ni realiti,
sure miracles happen, but you cannot expect it to come everyday.
they don't.

i love you very much, i respect you like nobody's business,
but please, just please,
set aside that ego of yours. for once.
please.

real guitarists play blues.

2009-12-14T03:36:00.000-08:00

growing up, i've never done something thoroughly. i will always start doing something and quit halfway. as long as i can remember, things have always been like this. i started taking up art classes and piano lessons when i was in pre-school and stopped because i enrolled in standard one. then i took up badminton lessons in standard five, my dad bought me this maroon yonex racquet which was supposed to be one of the best ones back then and i quit playing a few weeks after that. in form 1 i took up bowling. again my dad bought me a bowling ball complete with shoes and a bag and of course i quit a year later. in form three or four i tried skateboarding. yes, i did. and i was literally obsessed with skaters local and abroad. i stopped in form five and decided i wanted to play guitar. i took guitar lessons by the end of the year and stopped after approximately 12 chords out of which i can only remember only 5.

my reason have always been time. i have no time to do all this things when the truth is, i just grew bored. i became uninterested whatsoever with the thing. in a way, i guess that's one of the reasons why i still don't know what i want. i'm still searching for my purpose in life, searching for something i can be passionate about.

i've always liked music. i like to watch movies. i like how messages are conveyed through them. how the story is told. but i know they will not get me far. i can always try but it's not something i'd like to involve myself with as a long term thing. same goes with reading books and writing. i like to read but i tend to be picky with books. i can't read books that have small fonts, i cant read romances that potray the perfect man as having 6 packs abdomen and green eyes and are over 6 feet tall. shallow, stupid and thoughtless. i read books that have a good front cover. yes, i DO judge a book by it's cover and often times i enjoy those books thank you very much. as for writing, i do write now and then but i don't have enough inspiration to write all the time. it's something that comes once in a blue moon.

my point is, i don't really have a real passion in something. the other day i followed Al-mu to Chawan in Bangsar and his friend asked me about my pointer. i told him my pointer and i said it's good enough for me. he told me it isn't. he asked whether i didn't have passion in law. i didn't directly answer. i wanted to say i don't but i'm trying to like doing law and i'm trying to be passionate about it. so far i have failed miserably and i have lost a debate over a question of justice to a mass communication student and a would-be chef.

how do you find passion anyway? i have been trying to for the last 20 years of my life and never quite found any. i am lost. i still am although not so much anymore. i have always been contented with my life but i've never really felt the feeling of complete accomplishment, like life's orgasm. hmm. i'm not going to further explain that, but yeah, that feeling. i've never been there before and it frustrates me to see that everyone else has something they are passionate about. and the fact that they are going somewhere with it makes me feel like i'm stuck. stuck in the middle of a deserted highway with no cars, no trees, no birds, nothing. searching for something that i dont even know of. i can't even think of how to salvage myself!

i stopped searching for awhile. until someone pulled me out of that highway. and i am eternally grateful to him for taking me in. but that's about it. i know for a fact that, that is the only thing he can do for me. snap me out of that "lost" state. but to find my passion, that is something i would have to find on my own. i cannot count on others.

therefore, i have made my mind that i have to find it on my own with a little help here and there from my friends and family. in order for me to feel passionate about something, i figured out that i should know about that something inside out. that can really help me feel connected and intersted to know more about it.

Al-mu told me yesterday he is the jack of all trades, but master of none. to me that is good enough as long as you do have passion in doing what you do, then so what? i really do admire everything he does and became vocal to it of which all was rebutted, the fact that he can write really well ("every one can write), he can play almost every instrument ("i can't play violin, and you should listen to ozal when he plays the piano), he can take really good photographs ("there are a lot out there") and he can really appreciate and love a person like nobody else can (no rebuttal because this wasn't presented you see). that is more than enough for me. to see a person that has done so many things within a few years is really inspiring.

this is because of his passion towards all those things mentioned. doing something with passion makes you want to know more about what you are doing, interested, start and finish it and be successful in it. i hope to have that. i wish i have that passion. i've picked up my guitar again and want to start learning again. i'm starting to read the newspaper for almost everyday now to keep me up-to-date with current issues, i'm focusing on my relationship for a long-term one and i would like to concentrate more on my studies for this coming semester.i can see things clearer than ever now. why i'm here, but yet to discover where i'm going. all i need right now is effort and determination. of course, a little encouragement and appreciation goes a long way.

oh, and if you're wondering what does the title of this entry have anything to do with what i've been crapping about, here it is.

people can do anything they want, they may say whatever they want, tell everybody that they are better than everone else. but they can never truly be accomplished until they have succeed in doing something knowing that they do in fact know everything about what they are doing. for example, if you say you are the greatest guitarist alive, you can play every rock tunes there is and make better ones, but when asked about rhythm and blues, the cricket sings and tumbleweeds pass by. ask a guitarist, be it a pop rocker or death metallist, the real ones would either know how or want to know how to play blues. at least that's how i see it. of course i can be wrong. so far, i've yet to accomplish that. doing something and knowing it by heart. to me that's the key to success.

understand?

well if you don't, the title actually came to mind while watching the white stripes' video, "the hardest button to button". but that's a different story. of course it had nothing to do with my entry but i thought it was cool and there you go, i came out with this entry. i still manage to link it to the entry here and there though even though it's not relevant enough. and the purpose of this entry was to take up Al-mu's words as a challenge. "to write a long long entry". yes i took it as a challenge even though it was meant for me to not waste my time. still, as i said before, encouragement and appreciation. thanks sayang. :)

Until next time, toodles.

This heart.

2009-12-13T22:25:00.000-08:00

Oh weary mind,
A weary eye that has seen a thousand dreads of misery.
Like a restless soul
He slumbers with heavy breaths,
a heavy heart.
A kindred spirit with to many burdens bore,
too many hearts to please.

But this,
this heart wants nothing more than a pause.
A pause of tranquility,
of profound happiness,
A vivid imagiation of truth.
And this heart wants nothing more,
than to give life to him.

So what?

2009-12-10T18:38:00.000-08:00

Jadi,
aku dah dapat reslut. i mean result.
yeah. i failed two papers.
i failed two of the easiest ones.
aku nak blame lecturer tort sebab mengharapkan harapan tinggi kepada pelajar yang sememangnya haprak.
aku nak blame lecturer consti sebab sepanjang semester selama 6 bulan dia hanya masuk kelas sebanyak lima kali. more or less.
aku nak blame diri sendiri sebab aku tak buat betul betul dan terlalu banyak main dan teramat suka blame lecturer. mana nak berkat.
jadi aku fail.

Jadi??
kalau fail, what's the problem now?
aku tak boleh patah balik pergi exam week, study balik betul-betul.
kalau aku tahu aku akan fail, aku takkan ikut effa or hanim pergi rumah jack dan takkan pegi main golf dan aku takkan jumpa jejaka idaman kalbu bermata cokelatku. TIDAKK!
aku taknak turn back time. memang tak boleh pun.
aku hanya mampu menerima kenyataan bahawa aku sememangya telah gagal.
jadi aku terima.

Jadi?
Lantas aku terima, apa patut aku buat?
jatuh bangun semula.
Bak kata Butterfingers yang tiba-tiba, walaupun agak lama aku gemari, menjadi kugiran pujaan hati,
"malam semalam gundah gulana, hari ini hari mulia"
walaupun aku telah menukarkan senikata lagu tersebut, more or less it's something like that.
jatuh bangun kembali.
bukan esok nak kiamat kalau fail dua paper.
mama: "you failed, so what? it's part of learning, if you never failed, you'd never learn your mistakes."
jejaka idaman kalbu bermata cokelat: "this is your second chance to prove to everybody. cukup bagus you dapat second chance rather than being dismissed altogether."
betul. betul. i couldn't agree more.
jadi, bila jatuh, bangun semula.

Jadi,
aku akan bangkit dengan semangat phoenix m.nasir.(out of nowhere)
i will prove to everybody i can do it. prove myself that i am better.
aku akan bangun dan jadi wirawati gred A.
dan cakap kat lecturer, "IN YOUR FACE!! BOOYAH!"
MUHAHAHAHAHA.
jadi,
kalau nak jadi, jadi lah.

Jadi,
bila nak bagitau daddy aku fail?
lepas balik dari ipoh.
TETTT!

oh, and,
Aku Sayang Semua Orang! Thank You!

Goodbye Girl. Hello World.

2009-12-09T04:32:00.000-08:00

i watched "Goodbye Boys" again this morning. i've always liked the movie because firstly it was shot in Ipoh and Ipoh seems to have this nostalgic effect on me. i find it beautiful. and secondly because of the story itself. simple yet bittersweet. lastly i like the soundtrack. as much as i liked it though, i never really thought much about it. it's just something i enjoy watching. it never really made me think or whatever. the last time i watched it was back when i was 17 or 18. it has been two years. two years before i can actually relate and understand the movie.

as i said before, the movie is really simple. it's like this coming of age movie about how boys turn into men. i'm a girl. i dont relate to it in that sense, but i do understand how it feels like to start realizing things, to start to think about other things besides yourself, to grow up.

i don't know when it happened. i never realized when i started to think about others and as much as i am selfish now, i know i'm better. better than before. i started to help around more. i start to appreciate my family, especially my parents more. i don't yell at my sisters as much. i do things without complaining and try not to take things for granted.

i had a dream this morning. more like a nightmare i guess. in this nightmare my family and i went on a holiday and we had this lavish suite all to ourselves. we slept and when i woke up the next morning, my parents were gone. everybody's parents are gone. vanished into thin air. the first three days or so after that was pure madness and partying. but after that, after that it snapped. the whole world started to fall on my shoulder and i started to feel the burden. questions flowed my head. what should i do? what about my sisters? what about the bills? how? what? where? i started crying, rumaged through the closet for my mom's clothes kissed and hugged them tightly, remembering every single memory i had of her. i woke up from that dream by letting out a faint cry. i laid still and i saw mama coming into my room. i felt so much relief. just relieved. i understood more or less about responsibilty.

one time my dad told me to grow up. the words used was "you're old, stop reading harry potter books and grow up". well not exactly that, but more or less. it stuck to my head. forever etched in this mind. i am still trying to grow up.

but still, i am learning. about this life, how to carry myself in it, how to fit myself in. it's not a struggle, but sometimes, i find it very difficult to do what other people do. how they manage to fit in so effortlessly. how they can carry on with a conversation without a hitch. it's quite a struggle sometimes. but i'm still trying. at least now i can go up in front of a crowd and say my name without turning red as a lobster.

i'm still trying, still learning, still struggling to grow, to appreciate, to accept responsiblity and to understand things. i'm 20. it might sound as if it's too late. but hey, what can i say? i'm a late-bloomer. :)

Hassan's

2009-12-07T00:57:00.000-08:00

This picture was taken at Hassan's. Time ni malu-malu lagi. We were forced by to take the picture and it was one of two. Not that i mind, though. Thanks guys. Now that we're official, the date to remember is the 3rd of December 2009. Teeheehee :D I love you Yang! :)

what you get when you fall in love. again.

2009-11-30T16:27:00.000-08:00

"what do you get when you fall in love? you get enough tears to fill an ocean....
...i'll never fall in love again.."

and i never want to. not anytime soon at least. the fact that i have is absolutely mind boggling. to whom may you ask? i'll reveal him later. but yes, he's the reason why my blog is filled suddenly with poems.

to say that he is different from any other guy is an understatement. he is on a whole other level of guys that are not in my "to-date" list simply because he is wayy out of my league. i'm not trying to be modest i AM however, being honest. i never thought of going out with someone like him.

to me, he is cute, he is charming, very very unpredictable and always have something to say about things. most of them contradicts mine a lot. but that's the best thing i like about him. i am able to talk, to converse, to have someone to argue with and have fun doing it. the fact that he can see ME is something unexplainable. i mean, come on, how often do you find people whose first impression about you is the exact thing that you are. i was lost, and that was the first impression i gave to him and he was right. in a way, that scared me a lot. i've never felt so open and vulnerable but in a lot of ways, it helped me move forward and start to look for something that matters to me. so thanks to him, i'm not saved, just that i'm guided. i have someone to take with me in this journey of self discovery!

what i admire most about him though, is the fact that after everything that has happened to him, all the things that were thrown to him, he bounced back. he too was lost and he crashed. finding a way to come back from that crash and become a better person is something very inspiring and Alhamdulillah i am very happy for him that so far everything in his life is finally taking a turn for the better. he told me, it was me. i told him it was his luck and God. but whatever it is, he is blessed. i look up to him in ways i never have with anybody else. he made me see things in a whole new perspective and in a short period of time he taught me how to not take things for granted, how to appreciate what you have and how to move on. that's a lot considering how long i've known him and believe me, it's not that long.

the best part about being with him is when he looks at you. the way he explains things, the way he expresses himself, the way he talks to me. the way how he sometimes smiles to himself and his dimpled cheek. hmm. i am not going to hide anything here, i LOVE the brown eyes okay. they can melt me away with one simple gaze. and please don't let me start with the smile. haih... i know if i say more, he is not going to let me forget my words. so i'll stop there. did i mention he can play the guitar and piano too?? and he writes songs as well. and poems. he wrote me a sonnet once. teeheee.. *dreamy*.

anyway.. what i love about him is beyond physical attraction. the way he can read me like a mind reader is astonishing. the way i can be me around him makes me feel safe and perfectly comfortable. as if i am someone he already knew a long time ago. a familiar stranger. he makes me feel loved and appreciated and that is something i haven't felt for a very long time.

seeing jack and ili together made me jealous at times. their relationship, jack's devotion towards ili is something so pure you are sure you would never find it anywhere else other than books is remarkable. seeing the way he stares at her, full of love and adoration makes you want to turn away because you just feel so insignificant there. you just don't want to be there because it's so full of love and you just can't help feeling like having someone like that. ili got hers. i've never dreamed about getting mine because the thought of it, makes me almost sad.

then, he came. the feeling of having someone to sweep you off your feet doesn't come everyday and yet he is able to do so again and again and again and i literally, LITERALLY fell. once. see, that never happened to me. the fact that he made it possible, as embarrased as i was back then, made me appreciate him even more. the need to keep him happy, keep him interested, the need to keep him, grows the more i get to know him. i want him to stay. i'm keeping him and that's the way it's going to be. i don't mean it in a psycopath, obsessed, manic way. but..

Al-mu Syahrisyawal Ahmad,
you are mine. and i am here to stay.

Selfish.

2009-11-28T10:29:00.000-08:00

i'd like to apologize to some people.
for being too happy.
for being selfish.
for doing or saying things without thinking or asking.
for going back on what i said.
for taking everything for granted.
for not being able to please.

i'm not being emotional.
just thought that i should apologize to those whom i've wronged.
i never intended to disappoint anybody.
and i know it's just me being selfish.
i'm too selfish to think about others but myself.
i know there are many out there,
regardless of whether they do read this or not,
i still would like to apologize.

i am truly, deeply, sincerely sorry for my behaviour.
i hope that you will forgive me,
no matter how big or how small my mistake was
and no matter how it may have offended you.

i just think i should apologize before i enjoy and be thankful for everything in my life right now.
or i will not think i deserve the blessings.
for my flaws and my wrongs.
sorry.

Sincerely,
Faiznur Yazreen

You.

2009-11-27T04:07:00.000-08:00

A dream.
A coincidence too good to be true,
stemming from the wildest of imagination.
Giving life a second chance, a reason to believe.

A circumstance.
Clouded with hopelessness and confusion,
that paved the way down a new road so effortlessly and smooth.

A silver lining.
A pull from the deepest, darkest abyss,
a single command that can calm an army at war.

A song.
An endless lullaby to keep me from waking,
from facing the harsh realities of life.

A blessing.
A fate, a reason,
that led me to You.

taking chances.

2009-11-20T02:53:00.000-08:00

second chances, how often does it happen?
literally you only get second chances once. that's why it's called a second chance.
another try at redeeming what you have failed to do or another chance of getting back what you lost.

how often does it happen?
how do you know when you can get a second chance?
some people go through life without even getting close to it.
some lucky b******* get second chances everyday.
but i guess it's a matter of how you see things, don't you think?

a second chance, to me, in a way means,
having a try at something that you thought you will neve have a chance to do again.
something very significant in your life but you totally messed it up.
second chance doesn't necessary mean a second try at something.
we go through more than one failure before getting a second chance.
it's very rare and is therefore very hard to see.
most of the time, it comes by luck.
almost like magic.

so how do you determine whether you got a second chance?
it could be another opportunity to try out something that could be a promising failure.
when something like that comes, it's a matter of taking it or leaving it.
it is something you would have to risk everything for to know.
when that time comes, it would be up to you to see whether that opportunity is your second chance or not.
but no matter what it is, chance or not, it's never wrong to hope and keep hoping.
have something to look forward to no matter what the consequences might be.

as for me,
i choose to believe that God has given me second chance.
an opportunity to reevaluate my life, to see things in a new perspective,
from a single person's point of view.
i might not know where this will lead me to
but as of now, i'm breathing in every single detail trying not to miss a heartbeat of this journey.
this opportunity, this second chance i am given,
is a risk i was willing to take with hopes beyond my wildest of dreams.

i can only be thankful for everything i have in my life right now
even after so many mistakes and after so many people i've hurt,
regardless of deserving it or not,
i got my second chance.

2009-11-13T09:27:00.000-08:00

asmuchasidontwanttofeelanythingrightnow,there'snouseofdenyingitanymoreandicanthelpbutfeelinguncomfortableandvulnerablerightnow.

pieces.

2009-11-12T19:55:00.000-08:00

dear adik,

there's nothing much left to say now as it's been so long ago.
i just never had a chance to apologize for all the things i did to you.
i used to be angry that God had to take you away from me.
i didn't know any better back then, i never really understood why,
i couldn't express what i really felt so i kept it to myself.
it was as easy as that, but i know now,
that place i have been hiding in for so many years,
made it almost impossible for me to love again.

i don't know what happened to me then.
it couldn't be because i was young.
i knew what was going on but i still can't understand why i didn't have any reaction at all.
i tried, to force myself to cry to tell people that i too was mourning.
but i couldn't.
i felt nothing, i felt empty.

after going back to that place after all these while,
i started to realize, maybe that was the last time,
i really, truly, genuinely felt loss.
i didn't know better, but now, maybe that is true.
maybe i never cried, because i refused to accept what i felt that time.
loss, hollowness and loneliness.

the older i get, the more i think of this.
i tried to figure out what went wrong.
i held it against myself.
all the feelings i felt that time.
it grew in me, intensifying.
there, became a wall.
a shield that protects me from going back to that place.

someone told me that, the guilt i felt was not about not feeling sad.
it's because i loved you, i still do and i forever will.
it's time for me to move on now.
forgive me for the last time for not being a good sister.
for failing to guide you through life.
for everything i have never been able to give.
i would, if only i could.

adik, akak mintak maaf banyak-banyak.
i hope you're looking down and praying for me from up above.

note to self.

2009-11-09T23:09:00.000-08:00

jangan tersasar dari matlamat sebenar.
jangan jadi buta dengan apa yang ada di depan mata.
jangan tertipu dengan mainan dunia.
jangan terjerat dalam perangkap sendiri.
jangan tunduk pada nafsu diri.
jangan jadi bodoh faiz.
kau dah buat pilihan.
now it's time to live up to it.

numb.

2009-11-09T05:14:00.000-08:00

i feel numb.
i cant feel anything anymore.
i broke free to feel the warmth of the sun.
i let go to feel the rain on my head.
i got what i want.
now i feel numb.

mindgames.

2009-11-07T17:24:00.000-08:00

what would you do when you suddenly feel what you've never felt in a very long time?
you know how you reacted to the feeling when u first felt it.
but yet, that reaction, even though the same,
it can never be like the first time.

what would you do when something so innocent and simple
becomes a burden and start to complicate things?
you know the way it should have been if it happens,
but yet, it becomes alien to you
and you feel awkward and out of place when it happens again.

what would you do if you should be ignoring something that cannot be ignored?
do you stop and find out?
or do you keep moving even though you know
it might change your perspective on things,
give you the boost you always wanted.

sometimes what you want is never what you need.
many a time, what you need is in front of you,
but you can never quite reach it.
this illusion, the mechanism of life
takes away everything we have to offer.
do you dare risk it?
or you pretend like its never there?
temptation, is hard to resist.
dou you count on your faith to save you then?

people, time, life.

changes constantly.

its a matter of you and me,

to accept or to falter.

sometimes the right thing to do

is not something you should do.

end.

2009-10-11T05:23:00.000-07:00

i'm exhausted.
exhausted of trying to make you happy.
i have been trying for quite some time.
i can see that it never mattered.
it's as if you are just waiting for me to have a small hiccup.
to blame everything on me.
now finally, i'm tired.

you will never hear me saying i love you.
because i'm tired of waiting for you to say to me.
i never want to hear you say you love me.
because i know it hasn't been that way for so long.
i'm sorry you wasted your time on me.
but i will not be sorry, i cant change who i am, for you.
believe me i tried.
you never saw it, that's not my problem.

now, i pray,
for you to find someone else,
better or worse than me,
who is strong enough to go through what i did.
it won't be easy for me
and i dont expect it to be the same.
but eventhough we're not together,
we will, in order to get through this.

p/s i will always love you

Fallen hero.

2009-07-28T17:36:00.000-07:00

the first time i heard of Yasmin Ahmad's, i didn't register it well.
the only thing i could think of was
"wow, another death."
it never occured to me that "another death" this time around means the end of an era for me.
i don't know her at all, so it is very unusual for me to feel this sense of hollowness in me after she died.

The first time i came across her name was in sepet. i dont remember what i felt the first time watching the movie, but i know the way it made, makes and will make me feel each time i watch the movie. the tingling sensation at your fingertips, the heavy heart. the emotion in the movie itself moved me completely.

Sepet pushed the boundaries of our film industry and set standards for local film makers. although there are many out there trying to follow her footsteps, they don't quite do it the same.

After Sepet, Gubra and Mukhsin followed suit. They revolve around the same characters but yet each time we watch these movies, it feels as if we are exploring a whole new character. What i like about the movies is the fact that she takes very simple ideas, the ones we see or feel or think of each day and potray it in her movies and it hits you in the face. You feel like it is so new to you but yet you're already familiarized with the feeling. innocent love, family relationships and inter-racial relationships are things you come across everyday but nobody has ever highlighted these themes quite effectively as Yasmin Ahmad.

And then there was Talentime. the first Yasmin Ahmad film i got to see in the cinema. i saw a Quranic verse written in Tamil and my whole perspective turned 180 degrees. my respect for this woman sky-rocketed. maybe i am a bit left behind when it comes to filming and cinematography but to me, watching a multi layered themed movie is extraordinary and Yasmin does it so beautifully. everything goes hand in hand and is mould exquisitely to form this provoking coming of age movie. after that movie, i learned to appreciate my mother and my boyfriend more.

i liked no, i LOVED these movies. i cant wait to watch Muallaf but i dont think it will be screened here, no thanks to those narrow minded people who feels threatened by the truth. still, i hope to see it.

when i heard of Heath Ledger and MJ's passings, i felt sad. i feel like, "dang it, there goes a legend." but i dont feel it. it's like losing something you have that dont really have a sentimental value.

Yasmin Ahmad's passing is another thing though. she might as well take away the future and hopes. if there is one think malaysian youths can relate to these days, its Yasmin Ahmad's movies. I can never look forward to watching her new movies anymore. but she did her job as a Khalifah in this world, that is to bring people together and to make people look beyond skin colour.

May her soul rest in peace. Al-Fatihah.

bitchzilla.

2009-07-28T02:40:00.000-07:00

i've never felt the urge to bitch so much for such a long time.
thats not normal but finally i got something to bitch about.
i'm bitching about me. yes. good all wholesome..
no, make that good all fat me..

i opened my bf's myspace account.
of course there's his girl friends going
"owp" and "xdew lewhh" and "owang punye kawan sume sombunk"
fuck it, why wont you people just type the word according to how u pronounce it??
or maybe it is the way u speak?
wouldnt it just be flat out weird to hear a twenty year old talk like a 2 year old?
whatever, the point is, i have mananged to ignore the girls after a while.

and then i opened up his inbox.
i saw my old messages. the ones that were written like two years back.
i cant help but laugh because it reminded me of the naive me i was back then.
of course, it felt stupid. it feels like a whole other me. i cant remember her that much anymore.
as i was reminiscing the loss of innocence, i came across an old mail from his friend.
(i shall see to that this "friendship" cease to exist after today)
first this guy was asking "how are you?"
and then!
he went on to say
"awex ko chubby??" (note the spelling guys)
what the fuck! there goes my self esteem as if i even have any.

fine. its a remark made way back when. i tried to ignore it.
and then it hit me. the pieces started to come together.
i thought my boyfriend didnt pay attention to all these bogus statements but then he did take notice.
he gets affected by every single one of them.
i can only think of one way it affects him though, he's embarrassed of me.
coz who wants to be with a bloody fat bitch right?

my body issue has been around all my life.
and its really hard to not feel insecure when there are alot of beautiful people surrounding u.
im not saying i dont want my friend to be prettier than me, but they are beautiful people and im blessed to be around them. im not angry at them, im angry at me.

i know i should be happy with the way i am right now.
but GOD!! the insecurities! they come out of nowhere.
when i am finally feeling at ease with myself, it comes out and make me feel so low.
that's about when all hell breaks lose.
i HAUNT my boyfriend with my insecurities.
no matter what he says, i'll be able to turn them against me.
the fact that he wont try to backpaddle things makes it worse too.
i cant blame him. i wont stand me if im not in the mood.

watching fairytale happy endings in disney movies doesnt help either.
you hardly notice it, but they brainwash you into thinking that
"someday, my prince will come" or "i know you, ive walked with you once upon a dream".
it gets etched into our gullible minds and is carried into adulthood where its your lifetime achievement to find someone that will truly and unconditionaly love u for all eternity.
it's bull i tell u.

having said that, i, as the victim of disney princessess, very much live on their principles. its just to late for me. so when my insecurities meet my expectations in my boyfriend, they dont really mix well together.

the thing is, i know all these things.
im aware of every single thing.
but i still cant wrap my head around it.
its just a meniscule problem it shouldnt be a bomb.

believe me i have tried hard to not let it come between our relationship.
it ruined our relationship twice already. i just need to have confidence and will.
confidence to make me stand out more and the will to throw away all my insecurities.
confidence and will, confidence and will, confidence and...
until then, he's gonna have to settle with the fat ugly bitch.

i am he as you are he as you are me. kapish?

2009-05-26T00:33:00.000-07:00

ever felt the need to express something inside your head or your heart?
something nobody knows yet, but its really important for somebody to listen.
and after awhile, you manage to let it out, but it comes out differently.
as a result of which, nobody gets you, they're all confused of what you're saying and you yourself ends up confused.

this thing then repeats itself. over and over again.
until one point, you're so consumed in all the confusion and you yourself don't even get you.
that's when you realize, it's better to just shut up and think people won't say anything to something they don't know. rather than being told "i don't get you", you keep quiet. people wont ever notice this. so you go on with your life like nothing ever happened.

inside though, its eating you away. you cant stand it anymore. you need to tell someone. when you turn to the person you thought is the most understanding of all, he turns his back on you. instead of listening intently, he runs away. he gets mad as if every single thing you're about to say will be the most annoying thing he's ever listened to.

i may not need you all the time. but that time when i needed you the most, the least you could do is be patient and not be cranky. you may admit its your fault but i dont care i'm not looking to find faults. i just need somebody that understands.

our affair is over.

2009-05-07T01:25:00.000-07:00

Dear Dudi,

I don't really know how to tell you this,Our affair is over. I think I realized it Last year when you peed your pants Outside of your office and I saw you Pull the pants off of The Montreal Canadian’s goalie. I'm sure you're Senile enough to understand That we’re related. I'm returning your Your old New Kids on the Block blanket to you, but I'll keep Your neighbors dog as a memory. You should also know that I Mocked you behind your back constantly and You ruined my attempts at another world war.

Love always,

Phaez

.................................................

with this i shall tag whomever reads this post!

Here's how you do it:

Dear (someone you recently talked to),

I don't really know how to tell you this,(1). I think I realized it (2)(3) and I saw you (4)(5). I'm sure you're (6) enough to understand (7). I'm returning your (8) to you, but I'll keep (9) as a memory. You should also know that I (10) and (11).

(12),
Name

1) What's the color of your shirt?
Blue - I'm in love with your cat
Red - Our affair is over
White - I’m joining the Convent
Black -Our romance is over
Green- Our socks don't match
Grey - You're a leprechaun
Yellow - I'm selling myself for candy
Pink - Your nostrils are insulting
Brown - The mafia wants you
No shirt - Purple hedgehogs want to destroy you
Other -I dislike your eyelashes

2) Which is your birth month?
January - That night you picked your nose
February -When I quoted Forrest Gump
March - When your dwarf bit me
April - When I tripped on peanut butter
May - When I threw up in your sock drawer
June - When you put cuffs on me
July – When I saw the purple monkey
August - When you smacked my ass
September - Last year when you peed your pants
October - When we skinny dipped in the bathtub
November - When your dog humped my leg
December - When I finally changed my underwear

3) Which food do you prefer?
Tacos - When we skinny dipped in the bathtub
Chicken- In your car
Pasta - Outside of your office
Hamburgers - Under the bus
Salad – As you were eating Kraft Dinner
Lasagna - In your closet
Kebab - With Jean Chrétien
Fish - In a clown suit
Sandwiches - At the Elton John concert
Pizza - At the mental hospital
Hot dog - Under a street light
Annat- With George Bush and Stephen Harper

4) What's the color of your socks?
Yellow - Ignore
Red - Put whipped cream on
Black - Hit on
Blue - Knock out
Purple - Pour syrup on
White - Carve your initials into
Grey - Pull the clothes off
Brown - bit of
Orange - Castrate
Pink - Pull the pants off of
Barefoot - Sit on
Other - Drive over

5) What's the color of your underwear?
Black - My boyfriend
White - My father
Grey – The Catholic Priest
Brown – The Montreal Canadian’s goalie
Purple - My corned beef hash
Red – My knee caps
Blue - My salt-beef bucket
Yellow - My illegitimate child in Ghana
Orange - My Blink 182 cd
Pink – Your ‘My Little Pony’ collection
Other --The elephant in the corner

6) What do you prefer to watch on TV?
One Tree Hill - Senile
Heroes- Frostbitten
Lost - High
Simpsons- Cowardly
The news - Scarred
American Idol - Masochistic
Family Guy - Open
Top Model - Middle-class
Annat -shamed

7) Your mood right now?
Happy - How awful you are
Sad - How boring you are
Bored - That I get turned on only by garbage men
Angry - That your smell makes me vomit
Depressed – That we’re related
Excited - That I may pee my pants
Nervous - The middle-east is planning their revenge on you
Worried - That your Ford sucks
Apathetic - That you need a sex-change
Silly - That I'm allergic to your earlobes
Cuddly - That Santa doesn't exist
Ashamed - That there is no solution to you being a dumb kid
Other - That your driving sucks

8) What's the color of your walls in your bedroom?
White - Your toe ring
Yellow - Your love letters to me
Red - The pictures from Vegas
Black - Your pet rock
Blue - The couch cushions
Green - Your car
Orange - Your false teeth
Brown - Your nose hair clippers
Grey - Our matching snoopy underwear
Purple - Your old New Kids on the Block blanket
Pink - The cut toenails
Other - Your Hannah Montana underwear

9) The first letter of your first name?
A/B - My virginity
C/D - Your photo with the moustache drawn on it
E/F - Your neighbors dog
G/H - The oil tank from your car
I/J - Your left ear
K/L - The results of that blood-sample
M/N - Your glass eye
O/P - My common sense
Q/R - Your mom
S/T - Your collection of butterflies
U/V - Your criminal record
W/X – Your sucide note
Y/Z - Your credit cards

10) The last letter in your last name?
A/B - Love your sweet, sweet ass
C/D - Always will remember the pep talks
E/F -Never will forget that night
G/H – Will not tell the authorites that you stole the whale from the backyard.
I/J – Mocked you behind your back constantly
K/L - Hate your cooking
M/N - Told in my confession today about the moose poaching
O/P - Told my psychiatrist about the bruises
Q/R - Always wanted to break your legs
S/T - Get sick when I think of your feet
U/V - Will try to forget that you broke my heart
W/X - Haven’t showered in a month
Y/Z – am better off without you

11) What do you prefer to drink?
Wine- Our friendship is ruined
Soft drink – I’m off to lead a new life as a lemon
Soda – I will haunt you when I’m reincarnated as an Eskimo
Milk - The apartment building is on fire
Water – I'm scratching my butt as you read this
Cider– I have a passionate interest for mice
Juice – You ruined my attempts at another world war
Mineral/Vitamin water – You should get that embarrassing rash checked
Hot chocolate – Your Cucumber-fetishism is weird
Whiskey - I love Oprah Winfrey
Beer – Thanks for the Cocaine
Other – you should stop picking your nose

12) To which country would you prefer to go on a vacation?
Thailand – Warm tingly sensations
Australia - Best of luck on the sex change
France - Love always
Spain - With tears of sadness
China – You make me sick
Germany – Please don’t hurt me
Japan - Go milk a cow
Greece - Your everlasting enemy
USA - Greetings to your frog Leonard
Egypt – Kiss my butt
England - Go drown yourself.

2009-05-06T10:32:00.000-07:00

if i could choose
i'd choose to meet you when i'm 26.
by then i'd probably be ready to settle down.
i'd have enjoyed my life.
i'd be satisfied, contented with what i have.

if i could choose,
i'd choose to be with you.
i'd want you to stay with me.
be with me whenever, wherever i needed you to be.

if i could choose,
you'd love me the way i am.
no conditions. no rules. no exception.
just pure unconditional love.

if i could choose,
you'd be happy with me.
you'd be happy for me.
no matter what i do.

that'd be perfect.
maybe then i'd be happy.
we'd be happy.

but who am i to choose?
yes i do pave my own way.
but how am i to know what it will turn out to be.
i choose to be with myself.
it hurts to let you go.
and i know it must be like a million blows to you to.

whatever it may be,
i hope you're happy
and i hope you'd wish me the same too.

Kentut. Semua orang perlu kentut. Adakah Kentut anda berbau busuk? Gunalah Wangin.

2009-04-19T23:27:00.000-07:00

"urgh.. macam ada orang melepas la...."

That was my first ever line in my first ever movie.

I was in an ad about a fart deodarizer.

you take it out. put it your underwear. and fart. and voila.

"ermmmm... apa bau harum ni....?"

That was my last line in my last movie.

i woke up at 7.30a.m. and got ready.
i had a test at 9.
i left the examination slip at home.
i left ili's as well.
i arrived late.
after test we went to have lunch at Pak Li.
They put a bet on me.
they mixed kuah asam laksa with gula cendol and mashed pea.
and had me drink it.
i did it. they paid me 3ringgit each and i was 18ringgit richer.

i came home. my cousin was chatting with my uncle.
she asked me,
"would you like to be an extra in a movie?"
i became excited and said yes.
the payment was just 50ringgit per day.
i say what the heck.
i'll just be paid to stand like an idiot and i can go home.
she asked me to call a few of my friends.
she needed three girls and five boys.
couldnt call my closest friends because she doesnt want them.
i didnt get any of the girls.
so i called for boys instead.

Alex was kind enough to help out.
him plus his friends was already five.
cukup orang.
"wait, ask for their pictures first."
"Alex i need your pictures."

"hmm. i'll just need three lah. they look younger. be there at 3.30pm"
so Alex, Karl and Hisham it is.
turned out the most excited ones didnt make the cut.
i am so sorry.

so at 3.30 i left the house coz they dont need me till later.
i was alone. turned out that i was early. so i was asked to go lepak at the curve.
thought the boys were there. but they went back to shah alam to take Karl's notes.
he has Contract 2 paper the next day.
so i was ledt walking, wandering alone at the curve.
pathetic.
i found BORDER'S thank God.
i read until Alex came.

we went to the location and Hisham was "acting"
he get to kiss one of the Sharifahs!
bet he was thinking about kissing syafira instead.
hekk.

the rest of us was asked to wait. by then, it was already 5pm.

6pm. nothing.

7pm. maghrib break and dinner.

8.30pm. nothing.

9.30pm. standby. Karl opened up. nothing

10.30pm. Alex snorring. nothing.

11.30pm. Hisham and Karl gave relationship advise. nothing

12.30pm. standby. Alex woke up. Karl memorizing cases. Hisham talking to Sya.

1am. Everton scored penalty against Man U. nothing.

2.30 am.
"u guys come upstairs. but i'll only be needing a girl and a boy. i want Alex."

shiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiittttttt.
they won't be using Karl.
they won't be paid.
He came for nothing.
He has a paper at 9am tomorrow.
shiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiitttt.

my cousin was kind enough to pay him half though.
he didnt even want it.
i feel bad.
but they were cool with it.
the rest got paid 50 each.
slightly underpaid but who are we to complain right.
bah!
i got to know the boys a little better.
nothing is as it seemed i supposed.

you smelly fart you.. :))

Juliana.

2009-04-18T05:25:00.000-07:00

I've known this fuck since forever so i figured she deserves my honorable recognition.

after she was born i don't remember being close to her. although she's my cousin, yeah, we play together but i dont remember her in my early childhood. It was not until the death of my sister that i started being close to her.

the first thing that i remember about her is the fact that she always lived in different places. one time its in sri rampai and the next in Gombak. but i've always liked her home. it's always so comfortable and homey. It's small and snug and i will always feel relaxed there.

she's my.. best friend, my rock, cigarette buddy, my toilet buddy. my shopping mate, my driving mate, my sleeping mate, i eat with her, i bathe with her, i play sims with her, we even shared the same boyfriend once. ahah! not funny. really.

we are born two years apart. i'm 2 years older but yet i don't feel old around her. i can always hang out with her. she'll always tell me her ideas and concepts and i'll sometimes feel like a complete airhead. i'm always wondering how she fills her head with crazy, big and wonderful things. she has her own ideologi and i absolutely admire her for that. i must say, i look up to her. i look down at her literally though. :p

The thing is, she is always there for me when i needed someone. she stayed close and was never far away. I have done pretty bad shit to her and she has every right to ditch me. but no. she stayed. i still feel guilty for everything that i ever done. Her mom was right. i may forgive but i can never forget. I always want to make up for everything but i don't know whether it would be enough.

But for now, i'm just happy if she's happy and i wish nothing but the world for her. i will always support her all the way.

Happy belated birthday dudi, i love you muah2! :)

p/s : sape2 yang gile tolong la.. this post is purely about family relationships.

just another bitter old hag.

2009-03-26T01:49:00.000-07:00

is it me or is everything really very annoying and irritating?
for the past few weeks i cant help but feel bitter about everything around me.
the people, the food, the transportation, this whole bloody place is getting to me.

is it possible that its just me getting older?
yeah, 20 is old.
pfft.

i slammed my feet to a bed post and my toe is swollen.
if im lucky enough, there blood would clot and i'll have the doctors cut my toe off.
BEL class stank as ever.
i wish she would teach us something relevant.
i dont freaking get what she mumbles about each time.
i need to talk to someone and my boyfriend being the ever so shiny-armoured-knight is helpful as ever.
(I love you, and i understand your situation sayang, but i have needs too okay?)
i went to the clinic to fix my toe, and the doc tells me,
"tu lah siape suruh tak cukup tido, kan dah terlanggar katil"
yeah, its my TOE that needs fixing.
not my HEAD.

on second thought maybe i do need to fix my head.
think about all the good things in life that can make me calm and at peace.
Like Shoba's "yoga" relaxing method.
"Let me take you to a meadow full of your favourite flower. smell it, the smell of the flower makes you calm. now imagine being in a hot air balloon. your flying up in the air, looking down at the meadow and a small creek..."
aaaah..

SNAP OUT!
lady, your too calm. you should go to a dangdut club and hook up with some old Datuk and have rendezvours with him. loosen up a bit. God.
i dont even know my favourite type of flower. i can only imagine lavenders and it reminds me of this small wardrobe at mawar.
for all i know the hot air balloon would be hit by an airplane and i'd be a fried chicken before anybody can say KFC.

this is how bitter i am right now.
i'm sorry for letting it out on my old lecturer.
but..
i dont have any reason, im just sorry okay.

think of it this way,
either way, its gonna get better. there's always a silver lining somewhere.
and im just desperately seeking that thin line right now.

monolog dalaman yang random dan gila. serious gila.

2009-02-27T10:26:00.000-08:00

Tatkala rakan-rakanku besiap sedia secara mental dan fizikal untuk menghadapi KEBINA pada esok hari selama dua hari satu malam di Ulu Langat, aku di dalam bilik tetamu di Petaling Jaya sedang sibuk memasukkan entri baru dalam blog aku.

Bukan apa pun. Ye lah, orang lain sibuk kumpul markah untuk hari tua kelak, aku pula sedang menghitung waktu yang berlalu untuk berdating.

Patut kah sebegitu? i can justify my actions. i haven't seen him in three months. reasonable enough right? But the camping is worth 20 marks out of 30 full marks.

Dude! chance of a lifetime la bangang!
so? almost every senior who didnt go to the camping ended up with an A anyway!
Yeah, but they used to have annual dinners.

mase tulis entri ini
aku rase separuh tidur.
separuh jaga
juga separuh bogel
serta separuh berbaju.

kepala terteleng ke sisi sambil mata mula fokus ke arah benda lain.
janagan disangka benda buruk atau kotor.
pernahkah anda terasa begitu mengantuk. yeah.
zzzzzzzzzzzzz........

change of heart.

2009-02-14T04:23:00.000-08:00

Define LOVE
is it a boy passing a note to a girl in his class which says "be my valentine"?
or is it a guy that you blush by simply looking into your eyes cause you know it's full of adoration and sincerity?
Could it be a mere "walking-by-the-beach-without-saying-a-single-word" kind of thing?
Perhaps, someone who sees perfection behind flaws set by stereotyped beauty.
whatever it is it depends on how you and your partner believe it.
some like to say "i love you" at the end of each phone conversation.
some are just over the holding hands phase sooner.
some express their feeling through their eyes and their body language.
some only love their partners physically.
not emotionally.
Haven't you heard of the phrase "nothing lasts forever"?
it's only temporary.
weren't you the one telling me "i love you beyond beauty?
how can that be when you don't love me for me?
all the while,
i am still waiting for you to sweep me off my feet.

urgh this is so boring.
lve love love love love.
sangat............. sickening.
dah la.
no more posts about love.

Reality Bites

2009-02-13T08:06:00.000-08:00

dulu masa kat kedah semua benda tak kena.
"weh! panas gila laaaaaaa"
"ish jauh nya kelass dah la kena panjat makmal computer"
"makcik food court ni lambat la buat makanan"
"bosan ah kedah! tak dak life!!"
i dream of going to shah alam almost every day. My only thougt of it was that i will finally get out of this place.

now i'm here in shah alam. excited gila at first. i get to even choose my roomates for the first semester. i got it all planned out. i can go out with my boyfriend more since we're nearer, plus it's not that far from KL. best nya! no more queensbay or gurney anymore. so jelak. now can choose to go from KLCC to MID VALLEY. wahhhh.. a possible dream come true. suddenly reality bites back.

1. Hostel life.
not as fun as part 1 in kedah. i dont mix around that much with the people in the hostel. the whole place is like a prison. so confined and depressing. i used to think MASRIA is like so makcik with all the rules and regulations. but MAWAR. is something else i tell you.

2. Food
in Kedah there's no variety to the food. everything thailand la. lakna la pataya la. 3 semesters ok. but i can never really complain about the satay though. um.. rindunya.. but here... the food is not any better. but the price. ridiculous gak la. i can get the best char koay teow in penang for only RM3.00. in subang, it would cost me about what? RM5? cant even challenge sany's. and i also miss gurney drive a lot alot. i miss home!!!!!

3. Money
i can swear to you my money is mostly spent on food. its not like i eat much. everything is so so expensive. dah la recession thing going on. shitty la. can't even go out with my boyfriend. :(

4.Classes
classes are like way on the opposite side of the hostel so u have to take buses. which most oftenly are mobbed by crazy-assed, rude girls who cant make any effort to wake up early in the morning just to get squished and crammed inside the small bus that would carry more than the limit of passengers itself to get profit which will subsequently lead to mishaps like getting your leg squashed by the bus's hydraulic-powered doors. even when you reach the bus stop u would still have to walk to class. and the Menara is no joke people. if i am not at least 2kgs lighter, then i must have some fat disease.

haih. i'd like to swallow my own words. i miss kedah. i miss my home in penang. i miss my family a lot. i miss hanim. and gjui too. :(

2009-01-23T19:25:00.000-08:00

urgh!i hate you asshole!!!
fucking selfish son of a bitch liar!
i curse the day i met you!
fuck you!!
stupid son of a gun
haram jadah xmalu, babi kau!
get out of my head!!
"oh you'll always be a friend to me"
friend la sgt haram jadah.
you dont deserve me as your friend
you dont deserve anybody u mother fucker.
I HATE YOU!!
i want to kick you in the balls punch you hard on the face.
i want you to feel what you did to me
i want you to be broken
nobody deserve a shithole like you
donkey faced sucker
bloody idiot bodoh bodoh BODOHHH!!!!!
KO ANAK BABI GRED 1!!!!
sweet talker la sgt. hahaha
"yeah, im a bad bf. i dont deserve you"
fuck you. go eat shit and die while ur at it.
i hate you!! babi sundal!

One

2009-01-18T01:45:00.000-08:00

I know the place had long been deserted. The stale smell of it. The moss that covered it on the outside. The dusty furnitures inside. untouched, unpreserved. I could see spiders in cobwebs which now occupy the once mohagany ceiling. I remember playing cards with Pa right in the middle of the living room. It used to be filled with laughter. It used to be lively. especially at night when all the relative will come and have dinner with us. I never understood what the grown-ups talked about. Still, I could remeber it as though it had happened last night. For that liveliness, i never imagined this place to be empty. Cold, Godforsaken, lifeless, empty.

What am I doing here? Pa called me to come here. But why? I don't see him here. I haven't seen him for a long while. The small feud between us had something to do with it. If only he could accept May. I wouldn't be distant at all. Ma told me to give him some time, but I couldn't anymore. I hope he'd accept May soon. I hated all the time i had to pretend like he had no son.

Just as my thoughts were wondering away to the happy times, the feeling crept into me slowly. The coolness that surrounded me shook me slightly. A soft breeze came through the open window. Closing in as if it was calling me to the window pane. Suddenly, the calling stopped abruptly and shifted to the door. It came from the door now. Only this time, the breeze became angry and strong. Strong enough to blow the door open. It startled me for a moment and i couldn't see anything from the outside fog. Once my eyes was adjusted to the fog, i saw it. I really saw it.

Get on with your fucking life. The Dude's just not into you anymore, bitch.

2009-01-12T10:37:00.000-08:00

we started out innocently,
just a crush oh silly me,
Never thought 'd be head over heels,
I was so in Love with you.

U told me that it was for real,
well it's my heart you did steal.
Keep telling me to stay 3x
Now hear this melody

We've lost u track,
now we're not going back.
felt like forever just us two,
now i'm down on my knees.
Get up on our 2 feet,
Gotta move on now honey, honey.

No more you and me,
just sweet memories,
never erase what we had,
even though we are apart.
i'll keep you close,
don't you know?
you will always be my best friend.
forget you not,
forget me never,
not for now,
not for tonite, dear.

Heartfelt Condolences

2009-01-10T23:59:00.000-08:00

i know there are a million people out there who are feeling the same way as i am right now.
kosong, kusut, marah, sedih, keliru.
i've never felt this kind of pain before even though i've been in this situation so many times before.
i guess that tells me something.
i just thought things could be better.
i love you so much. God knows how much.
but we're not meant to be i guess.
i want to move on.
but everytime i try to climb out of the small hole i'm in,
it just feels as if i've been sucked into this deep abyss and the light is nowhere to be seen.
i want to know how you are getting through it cause it seems to be effortless for you.

i've had two dreams (or nightmare)
that ended in the exact same way.
me being alone in the end.
i've heard you say
"i promise to stay with you forever"
and i naively, blindly, stupidly held on to it as if clinging to my dear soul.

No,
i wasn't naive, nor was i blind or stupid.
it was true.
i want to believe it was.
and i hope you do to.
it hurts enough that all the physical remembrance of you has to be disposed of.
we both know what we had and there it will remain for the rest of our lives.
Thank you so much for everything.
i can't find any other word to say it.
just a thank you.
thank you for being a best friend, thank you for being wonderful, thank you for giving me the best time of my life.

Love Sick Puppies

2008-12-27T22:42:00.000-08:00

like love sick puppies,
not caring anybody,
we see nothing else but you and me;
hold hands in the city,
you're mine,
im your honey,
give me a rose,
and i'll kiss you on your nose..

take me to picnics at the beach,
sing me to sleep,
and sweep me off my feet,
my feet..

there's nothing your world but
me, me, me..

pardon me,
that's just me.
was it ever you?

cuti

2008-12-27T01:49:00.000-08:00

i havent been blogging for quite a long time.
i never found time to just sit down and express my thoughts because:
a) internet tadak kat umah
b) pi holiday kat jepun
c) memang ketandusan idea kreatif

so i guess i might as well just highlight my very short holiday.

JAPAN
best gila. everything is so canggih makes malaysia look like... zaman batu. there's really no other word for it. the people are crazy. as in obsessed with lining up. the line up for everything even for escaltors. makes malaysian look like... cavemen. (picture people boarding the monorail). its very clean. they even have greenmen to saman u whenever u litter. most of the places are picturesque. and its really nice to see a culture thats so different from ours. its no wonder these people dapat jajah kita dulu. heh.

ROCK THE WORLD 8
well ive been looking forward to this gig. thought that maybe it would bring back the good ol carefree days. the day started well enogh when my boyfriend surprised me and turned up at the concert. but i came late. so at least history did repeat it self : me coming late. again. it wasnt as awesome as the 7th rtw though. i was disappointed about the venue. and it turned sour as my boyfriend didnt at all like what i was wering. plus, i left my shoe in my dad's car so i went there in freaking flip flops. plus it rained later on so we left early. but still, i get to go into the mosh pit. haha. tapi kejap je. damn. maybe next time i'll get to really lose myself.

PENANG
yeah i know im from penang but dudi and amey came with me. it had been a while since they came. we sneaked out at 3 in the morning to MCD sambil makan eskem dan jahanamkan paru2. tapi best gile cuz we were outside finally on our own minding our own business. we went to beach and took pictures and we did mandi as well. too bad it was only a few days. but it was worth it. thanks for coming guys. ;)

i guess thats about it. lepas tu aku dah kena daftar uitm and all that shit. i seriously have not switched on to study mode yet. but im glad i did make it to shah alam. wonder what's in store on new year. oh right LDKs. whatever. hopefully i dont have to sing an idiotic nursery rhyme.

jepun. i make it sound lame.

2008-12-04T05:16:00.000-08:00

seemed like we just came yesterday but the japan trip is over.

i enjoyed ALL our time in Japan from the start.

Aunty Pat's family is the best host ever with her hospitality and generosity and patience and everything!

i think im going to miss Taka.

And also her friends.

aunty Yoko, Shinobu-san, and ako-chan.

their children,

Mitan, Moe-chan and Haru-kun,

thank you so so much for the extra money and the gifts.

its very moe and kawaii!

Arigato gozaimas!

i will miss everybody.

oh the places are to die for as well.

we finally got THE perfect picture of Fuji-san,

and other places, kamakura, enoshima,

shibuya crossing, and all the other places which i cant remember the names..

oh yeah of course disney land and universal studios..

can never get enough of it..

im sorry this took a long time to publish but the abscence of the freaking internet is a misfortune..

and the pictures as well.. sigh..

i promise i'll upload it as soon as possible people.!

selepas beberapa hari mencuba

2008-11-16T08:48:00.000-08:00

ilham masih belum tiba...'
haih..

oh! Bollocks.

2008-11-07T18:29:00.000-08:00

finals is finally over.
its the finale of all finals
and its over.
excited to go to kl.
been looking forward to it for the past week.

supposed to meet two of the most important people in my life.

HokeyPokey: hello b katne?
JejakaIdaman: bwu smpai uma. esok nak kuar kul bpe?
HP: My mom tak tinggalkan duet. :((
JI: Pastu?
HP: U ade duet tak?
JI: ...Tinggal 30
HP: WHAT??? I thought u had like 50 something??
JI: Terpaksa Guna.
HP: Tak yah la jumpa. takda duet.
JI: Sorry
HP: #@$@!##%$!!

HP: Udi nak kua ak?
UD: g mane?
HP: g bli baju kat forever
UD: Katne?
HP: pavi
UD: em.. tak kot.. mama xkasi kua la...
HP: Kayh... !@@!@!#&^!%^&!

finals is finally over.
the finale of all finals.
and its over.
excited to go to kl?

Not nemore i aint.

Fakta-fakta yang menyukarkan peperiksaan akhir untuk berjalan dengan lancar

2008-10-31T01:49:00.000-07:00

Fakta 1
beberapa hari sebelum exam aku break up. pastu aku gado ngan kawan. mencelarukan otak.

Fakta 2
discovery of the year: Buku Saga Twilight yang addictive dan destructive. Menyebabkan buku2 law ditolak tepi.

Fakta 3
mula2 ada satu sahaja buku twilight. tapi buku terakhir saga twilight ditinggalkan oleh cik yasmin menggugat nafsu.

Fakta 4
obsesi terhadap saga twilight membuatkan hati berdebar dan seronok untuk mencari informasi tentang filem yang bakal keluar di pawagam nanti.

Fakta 5
merujuk kepada fakta 2,3 dan 4, watak2 seperti Edward Cullen menyebabkan obsesi kronik. symptoms "Cullen Addict" termasuk lah imaginasi yang kuat terhadap kekacakkan pontianak (vampire) itu dan perasaan lemah jantung dan lutut apabila membayangkan gambaran Edward. Buku law, boleh tunggu lagi.

Fakta 6
kegembiraan yang melonjak2 apabila ada jodoh balik dengan ex boyfriend beberapa hari. Perasaan ingin berjumpa timbul serta merta.

Fakta 7
pengembaraan ke jepun pada bulan 11 menyukarkan konsentrasi di bumi kedah.

Konklusi
Konkusi bakal berlaku pada tarikh2 berikut : 2.11.08, 4.11.08 dan 6.11.08
selamat berjaya faiz. fikirkan boleh dan bukan edward cullen.

tribute

2008-10-27T19:01:00.000-07:00

most of my batch mates have paid their respect to each other
i made it to some
and i'd like to follow suit
Kedah has been a blast in 3 short semester
never thought it was possible, but it was
because of you guys

my beloved makciks who never fails to be with me, i had the most awesome times with you
1. Nurul Hanim (my big sister, lesbian partner wtf)
2. Sarah Yasmin (glad you werent someone we thought you were)
3. Effa Farida (thanks for supplying tudung and living in Ipoh)
4. Ili Atira (Shafiq's a fucking asshole you deserve better!)
5. Nur Diana (hang la gemok aku sampai akhir hayat. Cant wait to go to Japan!)
6. Ameera Mastura (thanks for being supportive and i still admire your bravery)
7. Sara Aisha ( thanks for guiding me through my studies througout the whole 3sems. Find somebody better than shukry shairi pls? ;p)
8. Amira Aziz (thank you for evrything. i hope you can be like meera. hehe)

i'd like to say thank to those who mentioned me on their blogs

1. Illi (walaupon kau nampak diam tapi kau mmg rock dihati, i feel sad i only got to know you in the 3rd sem. but thanks babe!)
2. Nadia (i still think you're a rockstar and i hope im not that intimidating now)
3.Taskin (kalo de rezqi kite nyanyi dorg2 atas stage okay dear!)

My classmates throughout the 3 semesters who i enjoyed having classes with. i really appreciate your companies.

PL3E
1. Aloy
2. Farha
3. Wanie
4. Sherer
5. Reen
6. Nadia
7. Illi
8. Shakila
9. Fara
10. Shafey
11. Wawa
12. Alia
13. Shaza
14. Meen and Oraif
15. Miera and Hazarul
16. Arissa and Umar
17. Fazlan
18. Din
19. Amir Hamzah
20. Nazri
21. Shafrizal
22. Azcona
23. Wan Arep
24. Deekay
25. Suria muscha

PL2E
1. Azreen
2. Bukhari
3. Neeja
4. Akhir
5. Mek
6. Dieq
7. Nani
8. Adi
9. aku tak ingat name lg 2org. im sorry but thanks!!

PL1G
1. Ili
2. Sarah
3. Rizal
4. Muiz
5. Paan
6. Diana
7. Wasilah
8. Atira
9. Again, i don't remeber the rest anymore but thank you so much!

All pre law students class of 2008 everu single one of you people i laff yuuuuuuuuuuu. Thank you so much

all seniors and juniors

AND A SPECIAL THANKS TO THOSE WHO MADE EVERYTHING POSSIBLE

1. Sir Haswira
2. Sir Zul
3. Madam Rosnelim
4. Ms Shatira
5. Madam Diana
6. Madam Erny
7. Madam Fazlina
8. Sir Mahyudin
9. Madam Ooi
10. Madam Ho
11. Madam Bawani
12. Madam Syazliati
13. Madam Sharina
14. Sir Fadzilah

I made friends and i lost some but i'm still grateful we ever met. thank you. and sorry it didnt work out.

1. Nurul Izzah
2. Dira Aishah

when mid-life crisis happens at 19

2008-10-27T18:36:00.000-07:00

i broke up with the one i loved most
well i'd like to call it a mutual seperation
a TEMPORARYone
i just need a break from the whole craziness
its for the best
i think..
god sometimes idont think when i do things
i wouldnt want to regret making THIS decision
i know im so unfair
i told him i needed a break from the relationship
after which i shouldnt have asked for more
unfortunately being the most selfish bitch ever
i asked him to wait for me
CONVINCED him to wait for me and be my friend pulak tu
do you fucking know how much that hurts?
i do but i still made him promise
i did say he CAN go out with other girls
who probably will DIE after one outing with him
HEY! breaking up wasnt easy when you still love a person
YES! i still love him
i ust need a bit time to FALL IN LOVE with him again.
the idea of flirting excites me for some reason even if he is my ex boyfriend
i just need time for myself
im not hoping for anyone to understand my decisions
i seldom understand them myself.
most of my friends arent really used to the fact of me being single
im not used to it after 2 years of stable and safe relationship
i need to breathe and feel like a girl again
and being single to flirt is one of the ways of being a girl again
i admit i miss THOSE days sometimes
but im staying clear for now
no boys no more
no, i just want to be alone at the moment
my bethroted shall be waiting at the finish line :)

i am the drug dealing full-fledged lesbian. oh wait, make that bisexual drug dealer.

2008-10-20T01:12:00.000-07:00

i just found out about a past nightmare that is back to haunt me. Actually i find it quite funny. And stupid to say the least. It makes me wonder how narrow minded a person can be. How can they even continue living being that narrow-minded and stupid their whole life. My boyfriend said stupid people too deserve a second chance. But after this incident, i think stupid, ignorant, narrow-minded bitches and their sons should rot and die. I think it's easier that way. Both for the stupid ignorant fools and us.

Enough with the intro and moving on. My girlfriend (in English, it means girl friend. in Bahasa it's called kawan perempuan) and i, have just been dubbed Lesbians. This is due to a circumstance that cannot be said for discretionary purposes. But believe me, we did not do anything to be called lesbians. Don't get me wrong, i have nothing against lesbians or gays and i'm not even close to being a homophobe. But calling me one, when i am not, and not just once, is totally ridiculous. Oh wait, i need correct that statement. CALLING ME A FUCKING LESBIAN WITH MY OWN BEST FRIEND OF SEVEN YEARS AND NOT EVEN KNOWING WHO THE FUCK I AM, is something that only an ignorant, narrow-minded, stupid person would do. But the thing is, there're more than one person. They are spreading rumors about us being together. This happened last semester when we were staying in a 2 double-decker beds room. We were judged by these manusia otak sempit who apparently ARE lesbians themselves. a particular queen bitch, consequently hates a friend of mine, A because A is a friend of someone who is the queen of this queen bitch's heart. She got so jealous of A for being close with her "sweetheart". To not show how obviously jealous she is, she avoided A using one dim-witted reason. "I DO NOT WANT TO BE FRIENDS WITH A, BECAUSE A, IS A FRIEND OF THE LESBIAN INFRONT OF MY ROOM!" (our room was infront of QB's room). There are several weird things about this picture.

1. What did i actually do to offend QB that she spread this stupid, random rumor about me and my best friend?
2. What do i have to do with A being friends with QB's sweetheart?
3. If, i AM a lesbian, why would QB have a problem with me if she too, is a lesbian?

just to make you see how far that rumor spread, the whole floor where my room was came and gave us religious advise, and about 2/3rd of Uni's lesbian population hates our guts. That is a lot, considering how many girls are living inside. and perhaps half of the girls in Uni believe that i am a lesbian. I don't see how this rumor can destroy me at all and why it was spread in the first place. Does it help boost your reputation as a lesbian queen bitch? is it suppose to make me become one? Did you do it to make you feel better? Is it because i have a very good best friend and have a great relationship with her that you feel jealous that you and your sweetheart can never achieve that too? Who the hell are you to judge me as a lesbian when you don't even fucking know me? Here are some reasons why.

1. Maybe it's because your sweetheart is a thinker who fucking hates narrow-minded bitches who takes pleasure at making others suffer like you.
2. Maybe, you're too stupid and ignorant to be with someone like her.
3. Maybe watching too many "L Word" convinced you that every girl in this world is a lesbian if she gets too close to her friend.

Can it get any worse? yes it can. I just found out that HEP does not want to give us a consent letter to go to Japan because they think we are going to get involved in drugs. how many STUPID IDIOTS ARE THERE IN THIS WORLD??!!! obviously apocalypto is nearer than expected. So it is true that evolution is not making us any smarter, evolution is making us stupid and narrow minded by the minute.

p.s.,
i would like to apologize to my girlfriend, Sarah Yasmin Khalid for making her suffer with my sarcastic and mean remarks throughout the whole day. I know i can be mean. I'm sorry, you know i love you! :D

tagged by iszzati si blur yg comel

2008-10-08T02:14:00.000-07:00

The dictionary defined pet peeve as a particular and personal annoyance. In other words, it is a particular, irritating something that drives you absolutely over the edge! you might find others' habit annoying, but probably even you have a litlle niggling or two.

1. I may look cool or relaxed to others but when i really really want something and don't get that something, i will turn into the bitchiest brat the world has ever known. regular victims: family and boyfriend.

2. When i'm tired or hungry or different from my usual behaviour, please make sure u just ignore me completely because that is my only valuable time i have for myself. its also the time for me and you to rest because it's the only time i dont annoy anybody else.

3. I hate motorcyclists who thinks the road are for them only and my boyfriend who ironically owns a motorcycle knows this. I don't prefer human beings who do not appreciate being a human beings by not being a human being. i.e. people who prefer death over life etc. dont ever step beyond the border people.

4. i'm annoyed when a person is angry with me, has a fight with me, and, instead of telling me what he/she is mad at me about at the moment, they go on talking about past things. aku xsuke orang ungkit2 salah aku dulu2. just cut the holier-than-thou bullshit.

5. I really hate stupid people who think they're so right about everything and is so fucking ignorant, they think they are God and also narrow minded people who hears only one side to the story.

6. Lastly, people who are unsatisfied with me can just tell it to my face instead of asking others to tell me. jangan nak berlagak mulia. kau pun hina jugak.

7. i tag everyone who reads this post!! :p

Aidilfitri

2008-10-06T01:56:00.000-07:00

it seems to me that every year, my excitement during hari raya slowly begins to fade away.
could be that there are no kampung to go back to? or maybe i'm just too old too be giddy about it? or perhaps because i keep telling myself that this year's raya is not as exciting as the years before. whatever the reason may be, i don't like it that much.

hari raya is supposed to be the best day among all the days. doesn't matter if i have to stay here in penang and celebrate with my dad's side of the family or go all the way to Batu Pahat, Johor to celebrate with my mom's side of the family. i'd still have fun with my cousins, collecting duit raya, eating all the kuihs, going to open houses and indulging in the magnificent dishes every house could offer. truth be told, hari raya is the only day you could really, really have fun without thinking about your problems. well For me, at least.

But the past few years, i just feel like there is a deep deep hole that sinks me in and keeps me there during hari raya. I still feel happy, but not as happy as i used to be. There are no grandparents left. They are like the only persons that are left to keep the whole family together and the've left us. i remember having the last family gathering on my mom's side was when my grandmother passed away. Everybody was mourning yet, we were all glad that everybody was there to support each other. there were no complete gatherings since then.

My dad's side, we had the last gathering when my cousin got married. that was fun but not everybody was there. some cousins are in sarawak while one is stuck in the US.

anyway, im just trying to point out that raya is supposed to bring families together. but to me, this year, it no longer does.

my raya is spent on the road. travelling back and forth to ipoh for three days. the only good side to that was meeting my boyfriend after so long. Back in Penang, my kampung was flooded due to the heavy downpour during the previous days. I also heard that nobody came to the house in Batu Pahat. That's just sad. seriously.

whatever it is, i'll try not to tell myself that raya sucks or anything bad next time. i dont want to be cursed anymore. i hope next year's raya will be a better one.

my loser lullaby

2008-09-30T00:11:00.000-07:00

i wish things could be different
i wish i could change it
back to the way it was
back to when you still care.
i wish we could just sit down and share our favourite songs
i know we haven't done that for so long.
i wish you'd see me
the way i used to be
the way i've grown to be.
i wish i could share my laughs, my tears, my loves, my fears,
i wish you'd be there.
i wish i could be what you want
what you need
i wish you'd be the same for me.
i wish you'd love me all the same
eventhough things has changed
i wish that someday,
maybe one day,
you'd be like the man who cant be moved
to whom i will forever be true

intelectuality

2008-09-24T18:04:00.000-07:00

di pagi yang amat indah aku bangun dgn malasnya dan bersiap2 pergi ke kelas english yg sgt disukai aku. aku suke sbb lecturer suke tanye aku mcm2 smbil memuji2 aku didepan khalayak ramai . aku mmg suke digelar teacher's pet

anyway......
lecturer aku sering meluahkan rasa tidak puas hatinya kepada kanak2 zaman sekarang. xtermasuk aku la sbb aku dijunjung oleh beliau. katanya pada masa lalu,

"u people nowadays aaaa... very lucky aa..everything u want u get tell me, do u spend or do u save?"

aku sebagai kegemarannya dgn lantang menjawab
"i spend, i admit i'm not thrifty"

aku nmpak mulutnya tersenyum lebar dgn penuh sinis dan sarcastic. tapi dia tak cakap, sebab aku kebanggaannya. dia tak nak la kutuk aku nanti termalu la kan.lepas tu dia balas,

"if i have a daughter i wont give her money easily i'm going to be strict with her. i wont pamper her

u see aaa.. back in the days, its really hard to get money u knowwe are all taught that money dont grow on treeswe have to work very hard to get itnot like you guys..very easy one"

ye la.. first and foremost, u dont have any children thats why u dont know what its like to have children takat nieces and nephews tu.. cube la ade satu dua anak..tah2 jadi anakku sazali
but who am i to judge?

secondly, dah cakap camtu, kutuk mak bapak aku plak.. biar ah diorang nak bagi duit..

choi!"

lagi satu hari, die da malas nak tibai kitorang pasal lifestyle mewah kitorang, dia proceed to the next topic: disiplin.

"u people always come late to class. (refer pada satu2nya kelas pagi aku). cannot like this one i have to write down already.back in my time the schools was very strict!come to class late, you'll get punished. nowadays, if the teacher hits your hand with a ruler, u call your parents, then your parents come to school and complain some even goes to the extent of suing the teacher! that's why we teacher dont care anymore"

aku rebut dalam diam sebab tak nak jatuhkan air muka dia

"you duduk dalam era mana tah.. masa zaman komunis. mana la tak strict kalau tak obey kena pancung.ni second time dah kata2 pasal mak bapak ni.

choi!"

hari berikutnya, dia cari lagi satu fault: kerajinan study

"during my time, there're no computer we have to write everything. see you guys are so easy
everything given already"

tak cukup lagi taunting, dia backup with evidence from her hand out

"if we compare college textbooks two decades ago with those of today, we see a dramatic decrease in the number of words, vocabulary level, and specificity of detail, but a sharp increase of graphics and particularly, illustrations. such textbooks pictures can scarcely convey as well as words the subtle distinctionthat emerge from scholarly or scientific words"

as always, she continues on saying how true it is. tapi apa yang dia cakap dah tak penting lagi. i dont have anymore reasons to tell her off or debate with her. i actually agree with her. since the very beginning. but the way she puts it, i dont agree entirely.

it's true that we are pampered by our parents, they want to give us the world if they can. why? because they are driven by the fact that they never got what we had. They dont want their children to go through what they went through. They want to be what their parents are not. It will always be like that. If not, there wont be evolution wouldnt there? It is just a matter of how they handle their responsibility as parents.

On disciplines, we still have it. only to what extent? yes we are lacking on that matter. why? we are very much exposed to the whole world. by the time we are old enough to watch tv, we are introduced to cultures different than our own. As we grow older, we learn new things through the internet. There is unlimited access to everything. we have every gadgets imaginable to ease our living. remote control, cars, etc. evrything revolves around technology. Discipline is definitely different during the time of our forefathers. Everything must be done manually and it takes hard work and dedication to finish a task. people in those days have no choice but to be very disciplined. However, nowadays, thanks to our grandfathers we are able to live a life free of hardwork. everything can be done individually and we have these gadgets to help us as well. like she said it, people dont care anymore. they are just so busy doing their own thing as if nobody else exists. can you blame us? after all, we are just going with the flow ;)

lastly, our studies.. what more can i say? is it true that we are indeed falling below the standard of our forefathers? are we actually becoming dumber? is evolution, actually making us ever more stupid? that's something for you to think about. there's no right or wrong answer. Just another one of life's simple questions. :)

update

2008-09-23T00:13:00.000-07:00

i havent updated my blog..
coda says i need to update it
but i dont have anything to write about
im trying to write about something
but the something wont come out
i need to make something come out
if i cant make it come out
i cant update my blog
if i dont update my blog
no one will read it
if no one wants to read it
it wont be cool, interesting, awesome and indie rock anymore
if its not cool interesting awesome and indie rock anymore
it wont be me
i dont want to be uncool uninteresting unawesome and unindie rock
because its not me
and if im not myself
i wont like myself
i dont want to not like myself
because i like my self
because im vain
if i dont like myself
who else would like me
except for my family and my boyfriend who do not have any choice but to like me

oh what do you know..
i just updated my blog..
enjoy!

Current soundtracks of my dull life

2008-09-17T17:59:00.001-07:00

snow patrol's Run
Yuna's version of Polaroid
Some song by someband who probably calls themselves melastik bintang ke ape la..
Pari-pari by Meet Uncle Hussain
Yuna's Dan sebenarnya
Lost!, Shiver, Sparks from Coldplay
Teenager in Love RHCP
Aerosmith's Pink
Hot n Cold, You're so gay Katy Perry
Seven Collar tshirt's Summary n Drones
Viva La Vida by Coldplay

the flash

2008-09-17T17:59:00.000-07:00

a few months ago, my parents picked me up from this dreaded place
hanim tumpang.

jom pi makan ikan bakaq kat kepala bataeh!
(for non-northernites, it said "jom pergi mkn ikan bakar kat kepale batasss!"

okeh!

sesampainye disane we ordered and ate like nobody's business
a few weeks of dining food is making me puke inside my stomach
a good ikan bakar changes everything
we already ate before
but who cares
eating ikan bakar was the best thing that can ever happen to me..
i ate like a fucking fat pig
a nice, pink, well-rounded one.

after satisfying one of the 7 sins (gluttony)
we were ready to go home

a few minutes later...
sesat in a back alley..
suddenly..

"eee!!"
i saw hanim immediately closed her face with both palms of her hand.
she was in total shock
ive never seen her like that
i then heard my mom saying
"i xnmpak! i xnmpak!
followed by my dad
"kuang ajaq punya bangla.."
it all happened in less than a second
then i saw it...
i saw the most disgusting thing ever
and it haunts me till this day..

a mat bangla, who has just finished pissing in the back alley showing his puny, black, disgustingly bangla penis.

cabaran, dugaan dan superporn di bulan Ramadhan

2008-09-15T22:10:00.000-07:00

last week aku ponteng class global lagi..
hopefully i wont fail the subject

but i had to!!!
i had to go home..
so i went out ngan anem..
we went to the bus stop..
thank God it wasnt as hot out..

when we reached there,
the place was so packed with kanak sekolah menengah yang still oblivious to reality
all the tudung wearing rempit chicks with high cut shoes and kain singkat were there flirting with junior mat rempits
yes, they were a sight to see..

anyway..
ktorg kene la beratur nak bli tiket murah tu..
for the tickets only, we had to freaking wait for almost an hour..
penjual tiket tu wont sell us tickets because he is to busy picking his nose.
its either ur an indian dude
or keling muslim yang berdosa sbb tak puase

we saw a bus arrived while waiting to buy tickets
of course these people
yang sanggup mati utk naik bus,
berdiri la kat blakang bus tu..
hello,
if u die, u wont get to go home anyways..
tak pandai betol..
the hell with them.
datanglah oula seorg pakcik tua..
mula2 die mcm ckp sorg2..
but then,
he caught my eye..
damn!

"awat depa tak mau bagi bli tikat lagi ni?"
"er.. tak taw la pakcik.."
"susah la nk tunggu punya lama la.. depa ni bodo la bagi la orang bli tiket bagi nek suma.."
"aa.. tu la tu la"
"apa la susahkan orang btoi.. lambat la nak tunggu mcm ni da lah puasa!"
"bangang la apa la xpandai depa ni suma!"
(it went on for a whole 10 minutes)

finally
we got the tickets!
naek bus smpai ferry
naek ferry smpai la jetty penang
smpai jetty pegi cri taxi nak balik.

"apek! mau pi minden height"
"ooo.. aaa.. itu minden height aa.. taw2.. doploh"
(siot punye apek)

cab apek ni bau mcm babi
busuk sgt sebab suke mkn babi dlm cab.aku ngan hanem sbar je..
bernafas ikut mulut every chance we got
taxi apek ni agak spesel sbb ade tv
mcm best je..
apek tu pon bukak la tv..
what we saw, changed our lives completely............................

sah apek ni tak penah kwn dgn melayu
jgn kate kawan..
kenal pon tak!
ni tgh bulan puasa ni...
segala maksiat etc hendak lah dielakkan...
apek tu bukak la tv...

MASYAALLAH!!!

lagu dangdut!
apek! ko nampak muke ktorg ni mcm indon ke??
terang2 aku ckp bhsa penang pekat dgn hang td...
as if that wasnt bad enough,
the singer, who was a girl, was performing on stage ala pornografi
she was wearing this ridiculously skimpy outfit with terrible blonde hair..
dancing around like she sexing some indon guy showing off her crotch yg i know sgt2 busuk dan fugly sebab dah byk kali kne fuck so its infected with germs and bacteria.
it went on until we almost reached home..
last skali apek pon pasang la lagu westlife....

the end.

blog

2008-09-14T02:41:00.000-07:00

ee..
xmaen la mespes..

everybody's blogging now...
:p

tagged by nadia the rokstar

2008-09-14T02:11:00.000-07:00

Rules

Each player of this game starts off with 15 weird things/habits/little known facts about yourself.People who get tagged need to write a blog of their own 15 weird things/habits/little known facts as well as state this rule clearly.At the end, you need to choose 5 people to be tagged and list their names.No tags back!!

15 weird things/habits/little known facts about myself.

1. i like pink

2. i think im cool but im not

3. my feet are even bigger than Nadia the rockstar

4. i can sing along to all britney spears' songs even if i dread it

5. i have a dream of playing in a band with my boyfriend

6. people think im smart but im not

7. im a freaking slob

8. i fart a lot without anybody knowing

9. i can sing along to high school musical (babi)

10. i make incredibly hilariously stupid faces

11. i laugh alot

13. if u dont know me, u'll think im a snob

14. i can never get the idea of being a vegetarian

15. i rock and i eat meat. bahahaaha

5 person i wish to tag:-
Sarah
Taskin
Rizal
Illi
Enche Kachak whom i know will not

Save the trees!

2008-09-10T20:09:00.000-07:00

Wear your skin!

save the Animals!
Eat yourself!

uncertainty melanda diri

2008-09-10T02:15:00.000-07:00

i hate uncertainty...

when i'm uncertain i'm unsure!
when i'm uncertain i'm quiet!
when i'm uncertain aku bingung!
when i'm uncertain aku sedih!
when i'm uncertain aku marah!

gile!

hitam warna kegemaranku

2008-09-09T10:54:00.000-07:00

yes,
i like rock.

yes,
i feel awesome listening to rock.

yes,
rock elevates me,

yes,
kalau rock you'll like black

yes,
i like black.

but yes,
i like pink,

yes,
my phone used to be pink

yes,
my broken laptop is pink

yes,
my mp3 player is pink

yes,
my bedsheet and pillow-case are pink

yes,
my crocs are pink

yes,
i want a pink honda jazz which i cant afford

yes
yes
yes

aku hebat dan kau bangang

*currently listening to aerosmith's "pink"

Ramadhan dan Aku

2008-09-09T10:30:00.000-07:00

pakcik dan makcik penjual makanan patut berterimakasih padaku sebab aku pelakukan makanan dorg yg nak dibandingkan dgn masakan kedua ibu bapa ku tak sehebat mana pun.

nontheless,
thank you oh penjual makanan setia kerana tidak pernah berhenti melayan kerenah bak binatang buas kelaparan kami di bulan ramadhan ini.

disebabkan merekalah, niatku untuk mengurangkan berat badanku yang naik secara mendadak secara tiba2 ini hancur musnah punah ranah hilang entah kemana.

Ya Tuhan,
ampunkan dosa hamba-Mu ini kerana terpesong niatnya
ampunkan dosa ku yg xdpat menahan nafsu makanan di bulan Ramadhan
sesungguhnya akulah hamba-Mu yang tak guna

the last question was left blank because im so cool

2008-09-09T00:13:00.000-07:00

My top 5 most favourite food:
Char koay teow
koay teow sup kat taman sardon punye market
sate
sushi
ayam yang menggemukkan

5 things I love doing:
anything with me bf
listening and melalak to my fav songs
watch new movies every week
shopping
kacau effa farida

5 types of guys I adore:
sepet2 sebab comel
kurus2 sebab aku gemok
boley main guitar sebab aku tak reti
funny sebab aku dull
Gjui

5 things i love doing when I'm emo:
duduk sorg2 melayan perasaan
nangeh
cari pasal ngan gjui
merajuk ngan gjui
tunggu gjui pujuk

5 things I love doing when I'm happy:
annoy the shit out of everybody
shopping
makan
treat my sisters like princesses (so far blum pernah terjadi)
sing lalalala

5 ways to win my heart:
--already won by gjui--

5 most favourite junk food:
sour tapes
willy wonka Nerds
KFC (oh Tuhan ampunilah dosaku)
Dominos pizza
oreo mcflurry

5 things that I wish could happen:
be able to pass econs and global
go on a shopping spree in europe
become a successful lawyer
have smaller feet
marry gjui *.*

My top 5 recently most addicted songs:
shiver-coldplay
island in the sun-weezer
teenager in love- red hot chilli peppers
your so gay- katy perry
Lost!- clodplay

5 Person you wish to tag:

Of blog templates and self-professed coolness

2008-09-08T07:25:00.000-07:00

"Just because u like cool stuff doesnt make u cool at all"

once upon a time,
i came across this blog template which i find rather appealing
i decide to use that template
till a fateful day comes where my classmate shows me a blog
a blog that is owned by a homosexual male who is not at all shy to express his sexuality by describing vividly his date and his night with another homosexual being.

very very disturbing..................

thus,
the search for the perfect blog template began...

time: 4.30p.m. (BEL #$@)
nak blog yang cool2 je.. nak retro..nak yg ade peace sign.. barulah hippie..
hoho

time: 5.30p.m.
ehmh, tak cool lah retro.. tengok abstract.. barulah RANTAi..
hoho

time: 8.30p.m. (BILIK EPA DAN ILI)
argh, poyo ah arts die cam rempit je... nak music lah.. nak de guitar.. baru rock..
hoho

time: 10.41p.m.
eee.. tak pandai btol dorang ni.. tak reti buat templates.. buruk btol sume... tak layak dipakai oleh aku

moral of the story
just because you want peace signs
does not make you a peaceful person (xpnah puas hati)
just because you like arts
does not make you a creative person (xboleh imagine)
just because you want to have guitars
does not mean you're a rocker (pegi rock konsert pon skali je)
just because you want everything cool
can never make you cool..

time:12.30a.m.
masih belum diketemukan dengan blog yg ala2 cool dan hebat

moment of fucked up lives

2008-09-07T10:46:00.000-07:00

the other day i saw this tv show
its called the moment of truth
well this particular episode isnt exactly as normal as the rest of the episodes
this particular episode, had its host warning the audience about the sensitivity of the episode
being human, of course i felt extremely intrigued and decided,
oh well, i might as well watch it

for those who do not know how this fucked up game works,
the contestants are asked a few questions relating to themselves and loved ones
only true/false questions are asked
they have to wear a lie detector device
so they cant lie
if they lie,
they lose
if they can continue on without lying until the last question,
they get to keep their money.

so the contestant,
whatsherface,
she was asked a lot of revealing questions..
she doesnt care at all
as long as she get to keep the money
questions were asked about her life, her job, her family and her marriage.
one question possibbly ruined her parents marriage,
the rest, destroyed hers..

ade ke minah ni...
the host asked her, do you think that u still have feelings for your ex boyfriend, on your wedding day?
she answered yes
gle messed up okay
if thats not enough, she was even asked whether she slept with anybody else after she got married, and her ex boyfriend even came to ask her whether she would consider divorcing her husband to get back with the ex boyfriend
her answer was YES!!!!!!!

she was such a slut i cannot imagine how the hell did her super duper hot policeman husband could even fall for her and marry her in the first place!
i mean she's not even close to being pretty!
mesti buat nasi kangkang ni..

well she managed to collectabout 50thousand USD i think until one question popped up..
jeng jeng jeng...
"do you think that you are a good person?"

guess what she answered?
jeng jeng jeng.....

"yes i am a good person"

"the answer is........... NOT!!!"

hah!
fucking bitch!
you could answer every single questions yang gle babi payah at the expense of your marriage and that of your parents,
but you couldnt even answer a simple stupid questions??

after what you did,
you still have the guts to say
"IM A GOOD PERSON"
seriously
i hope ur husband leaves you and your family disown you
stupid cow.

Hak Melayu

2008-09-04T00:19:00.000-07:00

Hari tu ada berita panas pasal uni
10% of non-bumis will be allowed into uni nanti

KECOH!!!!!

The whole of uni everywhere was put into a this massive shock
they didnt know how to react at first

"apa nak buat ni??"
"pikir, pikir, teruk la macam ni"

TING!

"kita buat demonstrasi je.. baru diorang tau melayu hebat macam mana!"
"ye betul2! semua Uni buat!"

huhahuha la dorg wat..
pakai baju kaler pink jalan ramai2 bawak sepanduk sume
tunjuk tak puas ati la tu
hoiiih hebat weh..
sanggup bangun pukul lapan

"kalau 10% non-bumis masuk habis la hak melayu!"
"ye! mcm mne nak tolong melayu lagi lepas ni??!!"
"mana hak melayu???"
"kembalikan hak melayu!!"
"Uni ni bentng terakhir melayu!"

"berita hari ini, semua Uni tunjuk perasaan tidak puas hati kepada pengambilan 10% bukan bumiputra"

is it not a good thing to be ivena chance to learn among the best?
isnt it obvious if we stop them from entering, it shows that we are actualyscared at them?
do we want to give in just like that?
itu je ke kita mampu buat?
demonstration and crap
honestly.. is that it?
ask urself this
kita ckp pasal hak2 melayu ni..
looking at our achievements for the past few years,
layak ke kita dapat hak tu?
banding la kita dgn diorang
personally i think they deserve more than we do
what is the difference between us and them?
in away we dont really think properly in terms of what we are doing
forget about hak melayu
frankly speaking,
we dont deseve it

those were the days...

2008-06-25T01:16:00.000-07:00

teenage ife is probably the best time of our lives. undeniably true. its filled with drama,drama and drama...!

from boyfriends to girlfriends to the clothes u where
everything is super important.

this is when we really do enjoy ourselves.,
everything matters in way that nothing does.
we couldnt care less.

and these faces...
ive known these faces all my life
ive watched them grow and they too watched me become what ive become.

one went from gawky and awkward to a super duper hot teacher
another went from boy cut hair to big dreadlocks
one taught herself to play guitar and i worship her for that
there is also a cool skater/ metal maggot who used to be so tiny people were scared he'd break a bone
and last but not least the cute little boy who eventually grew up to be a sarcastic in your face teenager

i love them to death
we're not the same but we're not different either
its kinda scary how different things are now than they were before

we laughed, we cried,
we went up, we went down,
we were wrong, we were right,
and then we grew up...